E.T phone home! That must be one hell of a phone bill

How can you tell if a mathematician is an extrovert? He looks at *your* shoes when he talks to you.

Look at those ears! You have so much wax, that if I stuck a wick in there you would sing "Happy Birthday!"

Two prostitutes moved to a new town, and on their first Sunday, went to church. One of the girls was quite proud of her singing; the other felt she couldn't carry a tune in a bucket, so was quiet. After one desultory hymn, the priest berated the congregation, "Quite clearly, there are some who are singing, and some who are not. Can we please have a more concerted effort for the other hymns?" One whisper to her friend, "My word, how did he know about us so quickly?"

One day a blonde went into a restaurant and decided she was going to order the free birthday dessert, even though it wasn't her birthday. A month later on her real birthday she went back to the restaurant with her family, and they had the same waiter. She ordered the dessert again and the waiter recognized her. This was her excuse: "Oh that wasn't me that was my twin sister." Let's just say she wasn't going back anytime soon.

What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur? Dyouthinkhesaurus

A red-head heard there was a party being held, but when she arrived, they wouldn't let her in - it was a fancy-dress party! Disappointed but determined, she left, only to return shortly requesting admission. She was wearing only a pair of red gloves and a pair of red shoes and when she was asked what her fancy dress was, she stood with hands raised and said, "I'm the five of hearts, of course!"

GOSSIP: something that no one claims to like but everyone enjoys. KISS: To a geographer: The shortest distance between two curves! To a physicist: The contradiction of mouth due to expansion of heart. To an accountant: A credit because it is profitable when returned. OBESITY: A surplus gone to waist. OLD AGE: When you wink at a woman and she says, "Anything wrong with your eye, Uncle?" RAINCOAT: Thunder wear! WRITER'S CRAMP: Authoritis! HEMOPHILLIA: A disease of blood with affinity (philia) to "he" (male) only.

Guy goes into a drug store and asks for deodorant. Assistant says, "Aerosol or ball-type?" to which he replies, "Neither, it's for under my arms."

Toothbrush: "I have the dirtiest job in the world" Toilet Paper: "Yeah...right"

Knock, knock Who's there? Some. Some who? Some asshole telling you knock, knock jokes.

A high school teacher had become very annoyed. Very few of his students paid attention to him during class. This wouldn't be so bad if not for the fact that they were always brought in their iPods and CD players and pretended like they weren't in school. The teacher was fed up with scolding his students, assigning detentions, and confiscating the music devices. One day, he came up with, what he thought to be, a wonderful solution. In the morning after all of the students filed in and sat down, and after the teacher walked around plucking headphones off of them, he called their attention. "Class," he said with a pretentious smirk on his face, "I've noticed that you all love music so much. I