When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always

"Rusty Bed Spings" by I.P Nitely "Fell off a Cliff" By Ilene Dover "Bounce of a Brick Wall" by Rick O'Shey "Mini Skirts" by Seymour Buttz "Race to the Outhouse" By Willie Makit" and last but not least "Guide to One Night Stands" by Juan Teboneya"

There once was a man who had been in a depressed state for months. His dog that he'd had since childhood ran away, his fiancé ran off the day before their wedding with a woman, he was working a job that was totally unfulfilling, and his house was robbed and his most valuable possesions were plundered. One day, he decided to just end his meaningless existence. He wished to kill himself in the most painful way he could think of. That night, he drove to the zoo, which was closed at that time. The guy simply climbed over the gate at the entrance, unknowingly alerting the half-drunk security officer who was sitting in the ticket window. The man walked over and found the pit where the vicious l

My cat is crazy. I had just sat down to eat my hot dog when she jumped in my lap. She scared the crap out of me. I mean, I literally screamed. Then I'm like, "Whatever." and I went back to my hot dog. Then I felt something sharp on my fingers. That stupid thing was biting me! Poor thing just wanted some food.

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the preacher's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out." As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"

A Platoon Sergeant and his Platoon Leader are bunking down in the field for the night. The Platoon Sergeant looks up and says, "When you see all the stars in the sky, what do you think, sir?" The LT replies, "Well, I think of how insignificant we really are in the universe; how small a piece of such a grand design. I can't help but wonder if what we do truly means anything or makes any difference. Why? What do you think of, Sergeant?" "I think somebody stole the damn tent."

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave." "Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been cancelled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned. One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?"

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For instance, take the simple phrase "secure the building". The Army will post guards around the place. The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors. The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.

HAPPINESS IS . . . Infantry: A good rifle Cavalry: A big tank Artillery: A loud boom UPON HEARING FIREWORKS Infantry: Cool, just like a live fire exercise Cavalry: Not loud enough Artillery: Fireworks? What fireworks? OTHER TRADES Infantry: Waste of rations Cavalry: Waste of rations Artillery: Waste of rations IDEA OF FUN Infantry: Not having to "pepper-pot" an entire grid square before the objective Cavalry: Racing across a grid square on "full stab" Artillery: Leveling a grid square FAVOURITE SONG Infantry: "Ballad of the Green Beret" Cavalry: "Purple Haze" Artillery: Anything, just play it LOUD! BIGGEST LUXURY IN THE FIELD Infantry: Engineers blowing trenches for them with C4 Cavalry

An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 15 kg. pack on his back, 5 kg. weapon in hand, after having marched 15 km, and says, "This sucks." An Army Airborne Ranger stands waist deep in the rain with a 25 kg. pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 30 km, and says with a smile, "This sucks just fine!" A Special Forces soldier lies in the mud, 40 kg pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 km to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching 40 km at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin, while biting the head of a snake "This really sucks, I wish it could suck more....." An Air Force Pilot flying over the battlefield, the rain i