Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning ship. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. O

Teacher: Paul, what is the chemical formula of water? Paul: H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O Teacher: What is this? Paul: Well, you said it is H2O! ------------------------------------------------------- Teacher : Mike, get up! How can you sleep in my class? Mike : I can Mr, if you keep your voice down. ----------------------------------------------------------- Teacher : Where does God live? Little boy : I think he lives in our bathroom. Teacher: Why do you say that? Little boy: Well, every morning my daddy bangs on the door and says, 'God, are you still in there?' ---------------------------------------------------------- Teacher: "Annie! stop showing off! Do you think you are the teacher of

You fart and you are proud of the smell

Make sure you are in a public place with a lot of people around. Sniff the air a couple of times (make sure it is loud sniffs). Turn to you wife and say in a loud voice "Hey honey did you fart?!".

Yo momma is so uncoordinated she couldn't hit water if she fell out of a boat.

Yo mommas is so fat it takes a twinky and a tub of butter to get her through the door.

You know we all have those moments and I'm going to share a few of them with you. At lunch I was going crazy looking for my purse. It was literally right in front of me...on the table. My friend across from me suddenly said "Where's Tina?" She was sitting right next to her. I was having a conversation with my friend on the bus and five seconds later I couldn't remember what it was about. I still can't Maybe it was about bread.... When people lose their cell phones why don't they just call them? Even if they're on vibrate you can still hear them a little bit..... At work I'm constantly trying to give change in dimes instead of just using a quarter....I know not that bad but yea. I had t

Q: What do you call a dog with no hind legs and metal balls? A: Sparky!

A blind guy, a deaf guy, and an armless guy were in a cave. All of a sudden, a blind guy said he heard something, the deaf guy said he saw something, and the armless guy said "Let's kick his ass!"

I went to the neurologist yesterday, to find out if I still needed to take my medication, right? Well, he goes off on a random tangent about Hershey Park and I'm like, what the heck, I thought this was about me, not a theme park. And so, somehow, he decides that I need to take two pills instead of one, and again, I'm like what the heck, this guy is nuts! And then after he decides this, he randomly decides to check the reflexes in my elbows and my knees and my ankles. I am laughing uncontrollably and my moms looked at me like I was nuts - I still don't know what my reflexes have to do with my migraines.

Question: How long is a minute? Answer: That depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on!!

What do snakes use for birth control? An Anacondom!