What do you call it when someone farts in a gay bar? A love call.

Q. How do lesbians handle their liquor? A. By the ears. (Lick her)

Q. What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common? A. No ball room

Q. What did the pedophile say when he got out of jail? A. I feel like a kid again!

Q. If they bring shrimp home on shrimp boats, fish home on fish boats, and clams home on clam boats, what do they bring crabs home on? A. The Captain's dinghy!

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings him his meal. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, exclaiming, "Waitress! There's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what's going on!" So, the waitress takes him back to the kitchen where the cook is, and to the man's demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. The distraught customer says, "That's disgusting!" Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting? You should see him make donuts."

A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the woman replies, "If you dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."

A patient was waiting for some results from his doctor. When the doctor arrives he says, "I have some good news and some bad news which do you want first." The patient says, "Give me the bad news first!" Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS." "Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient. "You've also got Alzheimer's Disease." Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS."

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a MCSE (Microsoft Certified Systems Engineer) were out driving, when their car broke down, and they couldn't get it started. The mechanical engineer suggested that it was a failure somewhere in the drive train, but after checking it out he found that the engine and transmission were fine. The electrical engineer thought it might be the ignition system; lifted the hood, checked for a spark, and found that everything was OK. The MCSE was driving, and suddenly gets out of the car, slams the door, opens the hood and looks inside, slams that, gets back into the car, opens and closes all the windows and looks at his passengers and says, "There,

Man: How many asian people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Asian Man: Whats a lightbulb?

A blonde goes to the store and gets a box of almonds. As she is allergic to nuts, she asks a clerk at the counter, "Does this contain nut ingredients?"

A blond goes into a pizza shop for a snack. She orders, "May I have a veggie pizza slice with all the works?" The worker says, "That would be our combo pizza." The blond says, "No, thanks. I'll stay with the veggie slice."