Pope John Paul II gets to heaven. St. Peter says, "Frankly, you're lucky to be here." The Pope says, "Why? What did I do wrong on earth?" St. Peter says, "God was very angry with your stance on women becoming priests." The Pope says, "He's mad about THAT?" St. Peter says, "She's furious."

A couple is at an Art exhibition, and they are looking at a portrait that has them a little taken aback. The picture depicts 3 very black, very naked men, sitting on a park bench; 2 have a black penis, and the one in the middle has a pink penis. As the couple is looking somewhat puzzled at the picture, the artist walks by and says "Can I help you with this painting. I'm the artist who painted it." The man says "Well, we like the painting but don't understand why you have 3 African men on a bench, and the one in the middle has a pink penis, while the other two have black penises." The artist says "Oh, you are misinterpreting the painting. They're not African men, they are Irish coal mi

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. - Robert Benchley Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. - James Baldwin Life is hard. After all, it kills you. - Katherine Hepburn If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn't you? "Would you like some breadsticks?" "No, thank you, I don't play bread. I play drums. Perhaps I'll have a drum roll." - George Carlin How old would you be if you didn't know how old you were? - Satchel Paige Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. - Jim Carrey My dog is half pit bull, half po

I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, "Whoa, I'm way too high!" - Bruce Baum Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. - Sue Murphy When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family? - Robin Williams The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. - Jeff Foxworthy I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget. - Michael McShane What happens

If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television by candlelight. - George Gobel

Yo Momma so dumb, she was killed in a pie eating contest when the cow sat on her!

A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all."

Q: What do you have when there are 100 rabbits standing in a row and they all start hopping backwards? A: Receding hare line.

Reporters asked Dan Quayle what he thought of Roe v. Wade? His response: "Two alternate ways to cross the Potomac."

What does the "O" and the "N" stand for in 'CLEMSON'? The "O" is for honor, and the "N" for knowledge.

Ever hear about the Polish athlete who won a gold medal? He had it bronzed.

A 6 year old was in a car with her parents. She kept having sneezing fits, and she kept splattering snot all over the seats. Eventually, the Mum and Dad gave up on trying to stop the sneezing, and told the little girl to put her hands up when she sneezed. The little girl did so, raising her hands above her head, and sneezed on the Mum's face!!