The following are all quotes from an 11 year old student's science exams: Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water. When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire. H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water. To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in a test tube. Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration. The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o and u. Mome

Teacher - "Didn't you promise to behave?" Johnny - "Yes, sir." Teacher - "And didn't I promise to punish you if you misbehaved?" Johnny - "Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, you don't have to keep yours." Teacher - "How can one person make so many mistakes in one day?" Johnny - "I get up early." Teacher - "Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son." Father - "What's that?" Teacher - "With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating."

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?" The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a moment, then gasped - "Didn't you get my E-mail?" A 7-year old child was drawing a picture of the Nativity. The picture was very good, including Mary, Joseph, and of course baby Jesus. However, there was a fat man standing in the corner of the stable that just did not seem to fit in. When the child was asked about it, she replied, "Oh, that's Round John Virgin."

A three-year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed that the left was on the right and the right was on the left. She said, "Paul, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her and said, "No they're not, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet."

Unpublished Children's Books You Were an Accident Strangers Have the Best Candy The Little Sissy Who Snitched Some Kittens Can Fly Getting More Chocolate on Your Face Where Would You Like to Be Buried? Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her All Dogs Go to Hell The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog? Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends? Daddy Drinks Because You Cry Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver You Are Different and That's Bad Pop Goes The Hamster, And Other Great Microwave Games The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins,

A teacher is explaining Biology to her 4th grade students, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says. A little girl raises her hand, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!" "That must have been scary," said the teacher. "It sure was,"said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say 'F*ck,' the rottweiler ate him!"

A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex education to her class. She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, "Does anyone know what this is?" Little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!" Teacher, "Are you sure about that?" Little Johnny, "Yes, he uses the small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and the big long one to brush the baby-sitter's teeth."

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? "You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." - Alan, age 10 "No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." - Kirsten, age 10 WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? "Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then." - Camille, age 10 "No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married."- Freddie, age 6 HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? "Married people usually look happy t

The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied. "Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?" "Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"

Stay with this - the answer is at the end. It will blow you away. One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events.The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general. The grandma replied, "Well, let me think a minute. I was born before: * television * penicillin * polio shots * frozen foods * Xerox * contact lenses * Frisbees and * the pill There were no: * credit cards * laser beams or * ball-point pens Man had not invented: * pantyhose * air conditioners * dishwashers * clothes dryers * and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man hadn't yet walked on the moon. You

Kid's Instructions on Life... "Wear a hat when feeding seagulls." - Rocky, age 9 "Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning." - Stephanie, age 8 "Don't flush the john when your dad's in the shower." - Lamar, age 10 "Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your parents are doing taxes." - Carrol, age 9 "Don't ever be too full for dessert." - Kelly, age 10 "Never spit when on a roller coaster." - Scott, age 11 "Never do pranks at a police station." - Sam, age 10 "Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving." - Rob, age 10 "Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do." - Hank, age 12 "Remember you're never too o

A little boy is adopted from Korea and is flown to the USA to meet his new parents. A few years later the parents decide to adopt again on the way to the airport the little boy sees planes coming in to land. He says to his mother, "Look at all the babies being born." (he thinks all babies come on air planes Ha Ha)