40 Things Never Said By Southerners 40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen. 39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex. 38. Duct tape won't fix that. 37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael. 36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken. 35. We don't keep firearms in this house. 34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer? 33. You can't feed that to the dog. 32. I thought Graceland was tacky. 31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe. 30. Wrasslin's fake. 29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? 28. We're vegetarians. 27. Do you think my gut is too big? 26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy. 25. Honey, we don't need another

Q: What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common? A: In the end, someone's gonna lose a trailer.

You hear crack is illegal and you pull up your pants. Someone yells "Hoe Down" at a dance and your wife falls to the floor. You use newspapers for more than 3 uses in your home. Your family tree is a wreath. If your home is mobile but the 4 cars in your yard are not. Your father gave you this advice, "If you can't keep it in your pants, at least keep it in the family." The last thing relatives say before they die is, "Hey Ya'll! Watch this!"

A redneck is walking along the beach in France. There are many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a French guy lying on the beach who is surrounded by adoring women. "Excuse me," he says, taking the guy aside, "but I've been trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem to get anywhere with them. You're French. You know these women. What do they want?" "Maybe I can help a leetle beet," says the Frenchman. "What you do ees you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You walk up and down zee beach. You meet

You might be a redneck if your baby's first words were, "Attention, K-mart shoppers!"

You know you're a redneck if: 1) You drive your house and sleep in your car. 2) You think a loaded dishwasher means your wife is drunk. 3) You have more than 2 relatives named Buh Buh. 4) You let your 12 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of HER kids. 5) You've been to a wedding reception at the waffle house.

Signs you're a redneck Jedi; -You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all." -Your Jedi robe is camouflage. -You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light. -At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored. -You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok. -You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard. -The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters. -Wookiees are offended by your B.O. -You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial. -You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling. -Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to

You might be a redneck if you think fast-food is hitting a dear at 65mph.

How did the redneck die drinking milk? The cow sat on him!

Your Starship Captain just might be a redneck if... your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month he paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles you have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob" he refers to Klingons as "Critters" he refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns" he has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil he installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section he says, "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies" he hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen he rewires his communicator into his belt buckle he keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it he says, "Yee-Ha!" instea

Q:What do you call a 500 pound Russian that can bend you like a bendy straw? A:Sir

A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence. "Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked. "I reckon so," replied the farmer. The car was immediately swallowed by the puddle as the man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface. As his head broke the surface, the man said to the farmer, "I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!" "Well, shoot!" said the farmer, scratching his head. "It only come up chest-high on my ducks!"