A fool and his money are soon partying.

Conserve water. Shower with a friend.

"I'm a little teapot, short and stout." "I have whooping cough!" "Where did my bandage go?" "I think I'm going to puke." "I can compare myself to Rachel Ray! NOT!" "If I mess up one more time, I'm turning this blade on you." "I summon up my Eighth Amendment Right!" "I wanted to be an executioner!" "Burp!" "I just live here." "What color the meat is, I don't care! I'm not even wearing any underwear!" "Man, this place just stunk up bad." "You want fries with that?" "Johnny, my meat is on fire!" "Surreal."

What if there were no hypothetical situations?

What goes oh oh oh? Santa walking backwards

How do you make the number 1 disappear? Add a "g" to it and it's "gone"

Q: What is the President Bush's new fitness program to get people walking again? A: GAS at $3/gallon Q: When visiting India what did George W think upon seeing a woman with a red dot on her forehead? A: Holy Shit!!!! She must've been hunting with Cheney Q: Whats the best birthday gift you can give to George W? A: An Exit Strategy from Iraq Q: Why is George Bush giving tax cuts like Jim Jones giving Kool-Aid? A: It tastes good but it'll kill you. Q: What would happen if George W Bush had selected the court in 1954? A: Clarence Thomas would have never got to law school." Q: Why did the Iraqi women shave there fannies? A: To send a message out "No more Bush" Q: George W. Bush is now

What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. What is Moby Dick's dad's name? Papa Boner. What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common? One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit. A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis, her mom said, "You should have asked me last night, it was at the tip of my tongue." What has got two legs and bleeds? Half a dog! What kind of bees produce milk? Boobies. What do you call an Afghan virgin? Mever bin laid on. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lickalotopuss. When do you kick a dwarf in the balls? When he is standing next to your miss telling her her hair smells nice. Why did

Women like silent men - they think they're listening.

And then there was the glass-blower who got hiccups and made 764 marbles.

Are you an aspirin? Because I'd like to take you every 4 to 6 hours. There are a lot of fish in the sea, but you're the only one I'd like to mount and take back to my place. Excuse me, are you hiring? I heard you have an opening you need filled. What has 148 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? My zipper. Do you like parties? Because you can climb up my pants and have a ball! If you were vanilla ice cream and I was hot caramel, I'd pour myself all over you. Here is $30. Drink until I am really good looking, then come to talk to me. Girl......you are like a tall glass of water, and I'm telling you str8 up I'm thirsty. If you were a word on a piece of paper you would read (fine pr

I invented a cure for amnesia - but I've forgotten what it is!