The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Throwing acid is wrong - in some people's eyes

What's a specimen? An Italian astronaut!

What's a bigamist? A heavy fog in Naples!

What's bigotry? What you find in an Italian forest!

I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered all over the world.

I failed my driver's test. The guy asked me "What do you do at a red light?" I said, "I don't know... look around, listen to the radio...

China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you're a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.

As I was coming back from Canada, I stopped at the border and the guy asked, "Do you have any firearms with you?" I answered, "What do you need?"

Here is some random advice to make you smile... MEN have 2 heads and WOMEN have 4 lips. The American Dental Association says semen cuts plaque and tartar by 77%. Suck a dick and save a smile... If you have sex 365 times a year, and if you melted down all of the condoms to make a tire, what would you call it? A fuckin Goodyear! Sex is like playing spades. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. Big Bad Wolf told Little Red Riding Hood to lift her top so he could suck her tits. "No," she said while lifting her skirt, "Eat me like the fuckin book says!" A rooster and a cat were playing by the pool. The cat fell in and the rooster laughed. The rooster exclaimed, "A

Why was the little pointy-eared boy down in the dumps? He had low elf-esteem. Why does Santa Claus come down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.

I use to eat natural foods, but then I found out that 65% of all people die of natural causes.