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Why do they call it "drug abuse" when the person "abusing the drugs" then ends up with half of his brain being rendered useless?

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one . . . It wasn't doing what I was doing. I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said, "pet supplies." So I did. One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95. I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again. I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep. My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by. I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it. I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic. I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there. I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. I had to stop driving my car for a while... The tires got dizzy. My neighbour has a circular driveway... He can't get out. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

When I fly, I go Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one-way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday and they bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have the weekend. If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? I broke a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen! I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I came back. The other day, when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a c

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses. Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug. I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: "Lost - $50. If found, just keep it." I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else's property. The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work. The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows. Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think George is we

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious! All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... With a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store." In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out." All the plants in my house are dead -

Have you ever heard of the Gay Mafia? No? If you don't pay up, they come round your house, and criticize your curtains!