What can a picnic table do that a musician can't do? Support a family of six!

The Lazy Bowl Reclining toilet: It's plush while you flush!

Sometimes, I get so sleepy that I fall asleep at my keyboa-----hogasvfbhjhfaokL;'GRUHIKMUIHGDFJSJIKkljhvLD ;YWEHKJF,HCsssljga lrsaio.ra;ugsrol,.k,ijhekng0ljr

I saw that my low-fuel light was on, so I stopped and got $10 worth of gas. And when I was done, I saw that my low-fuel light was still on. Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots. There can't be any life on Mars. They haven't asked the United States for any money. When thieves get caught stealing money, they go to jail. When politicians get caught, it's an honest mistake. Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage? Because they are tired of using their own. My greatest fear is there is no such thing as PMS and this is really my wife's personality. Federal Express had a terrific obstacle to overcome: They had to convince people

Short naps prevent aging, especially if taken while driving.

When you marry, your spouse's family become "in-laws." So, when you divorce, does that make them "outlaws?"

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.

The landlady asked me if I minded making my own bed. I said I didn't and she said great there's a hammer and nails in the corner.

Why did the penny jump off the cliff and not the quarter? Because the quarter had more cents!

Is that a mirror in your jeans? Because I can see myself in them.

Q. What goes clop... clop... clop... BANG! clop clop clop clop clop clop? A. An Amish driveby

This joke's so old, it has mold on it! HA HA HA!