You know you're ghetto when you carry food stamps in a money clip!

Wait a second!!! I am NOT a loser! I have tried. I am a failure.

What did the porcupine say to the cactus? "Is that you, mommy?"

JUST because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I

When I die I want to go peacefully - like my grandfather did - in his sleep. Not screaming like the passengers in his car.

Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?

What's the difference between a duck and a spider? A duck has a web in its feet, a spider has its feet in a web!

What do you get when you cross a praying mantis with a termite? A bug that says grace before eating your house.

Why do they call it disposable douche? Is there a kind of douche you keep after using? Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together? Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? Why do they report power outages on TV? Why do they sell a pound cake that only weighs 12 ounces? Why do 'tug'boats push their barges? Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? Why do we have hot water heaters? Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays? Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase? Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there? Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them

If someone says, "A penny for your thoughts,", and you give them your two cents worth, what happens to the other penny?

Q. Why are families like chocolate? A. They are mostly sweet, with a few nuts!

Q. What do me and a mirror have in common? A. When we see your face we both crack up!