I have learned to not jump out the window with a towel as a parachute. ..never throw a boomerang if you don't know how to catch it. ..don't fly a kite while facing towards the wind. ..don't throw a cat on a dog. ..never leave a three year old alone with duct tape and glue ..don't let a friend make you laugh while eating unless he/she knows the heimlich maneuver. ..don't ditch school if you don't know the way back home

While driving to work, I found myself behind an old Ford Falcon, with five teenage boys inside. The best part was the bumper sticker in the center of the rear window. It read: DON'T LAUGH, YOUR DAUGHTER COULD BE IN HERE!

I was watching my friend instant message. She was talking to a kid that she knew. The kid had lost his hat. I suggested, rather foolishly, to look in his nose. (As a joke, of course) My friend typed this. He then wrote (without seeing the message that my friend wrote) I'm going to look there on Monday.

An ejector seat on a helicopter. A fly screen on a submarine. An ashtray for a motorcycle. A lead balloon. A bikini for Eskimos. Sugar-cube fishing bait. A glass baseball bat..

A man called the computer company because he was having trouble with his computer. A woman answered the phone. "Hello. May I help you? "Yes. I'm having trouble with my computer. Every time I press the enter key my computer goes biserk." "I think I know what you should do." "Really?" "Yes." "What should I do?" "You should stop pressing the enter key."

One day the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose of showing his son how poor people can be. They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family. On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was the trip?" "It was great, Dad." "Did you see how poor people can be?" the father asked. "Oh, yeah," said the son. "So what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father. The son answered, "I saw that we have one dog and they had four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lanterns in our garden and they ha

The King sent for his wise men all To find a rhyme for W. When they had thought for a time, But could not think of a single rhyme, "I'm sorry," he said," To trouble you."

It's a sunny morning in a big forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars. Mommy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch and screams, "For gosh sakes, how many times do we have to go through this crap? I haven't made the porridge yet!"

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly. 2. Say "Wouldn't you like to know?" every time someone asks you a question. 3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..." 5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. 6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. 7. Speak only in a "robot" voice. 8. Push all the flat Lego pieces tightly together. 9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub". 10.

An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity And a keyboard was on a piano! Memory was something that you lost with age And a CD was a bank account And if you had a corrupted disk It would hurt when you found out! Compress was what you did to garbage Not something you did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for a while! Log on was adding wood to a fire A hard drive was a trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup happened to the commode! Cutting, you did with a pocket knife, Pasting, you did with glue. The Web was where a spider lived And a virus was the flu!

Coca-Cola was originally green. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury. Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt. 1/4 of LA is taken up of automobiles. The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska. 2 out of 5 people live in China or India. Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61000. The city with the most Rolls Royces per capita: Hong Kong. The most commonly used password on computer systems is "password". The youngest pope was 11 years old. The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments. Q. What separates

Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per game. With $40 million in endorsements, he made $178,100 a day, working or not. If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. If he goes to see a movie, it will cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there. If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000), it would take him a whole 12 hours. He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round. If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000