One day, in the mental institute, a doctor visited one of his new patients. "How are you today?" he asked, when he saw his patient. "Oh. I'm fine thank you very much. How about you?" replied the patient. "Oh, I'm fine," answered the doctor, while thinking if he should let this patient go seeing as how he was polite and all. "So, did you sleep alright last night?" "Oh, heavens no. The mosquitoes were such a bother, I got so angry that I put up a mosquito net around the bed but I climbed under the bed. HA! They can bite whatever they want inside the net, but I'll be safe and sound under the bed," answered the patient with an air of dignity. "Never mind."

There was this guy in the mental institute who was taking his medicine that the nurse gave him. The same nurse was walking past his room and saw him shaking very vigorously. Intrigued, the nurse asked,"Dear patient, why are you shaking? Are you cold?" Still shaking, the patient replied, "No, my dear nurse, the bottle of medicine you gave me said 'shake before drinking' but I forgot to shake!" "Oh dear."

1. Think of a number. 2. Multiply it by 3. 3. Now add 5. 4. Take away the number you first thought of. 5. Now add 7. 6. Subtract 2. 7. Add back the number you first thought of. 8. Now, close your eyes. > > > > > > > > Dark, isn't it? :-)

Two men are driving through New York when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?" The cop answers, "You're in New York son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car." The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here." The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on

I probably shouldn't admit this to you younger readers, but when my generation was your age, we did some pretty stupid things. I'm talking about taking CRAZY risks. We drank water right from the tap. We used aspirin bottles that you could actually open with your bare hands. We bought appliances that were not festooned with helpful safety warnings such as "DO NOT BATHE WITH THIS TOASTER". But for sheer insanity, the wildest thing we did was -- prepare to be shocked -- we deliberately ingested carbohydrates. I know, I know. It was wrong. But we were young and foolish, and there was a lot of peer pressure. You'd be at a party, and there would be a lava lamp blooping away, and a Jimi Hendrix r

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on a beach and picked it up. Suddenly a female Genie arose from the bottle and with a smile said: "Master, may I grant you one wish?" "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything", barked Bin Laden. The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever." Osama thought a moment, grumbling about the impertinence of the woman, and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three white women in my bed in the morning; so just grant it and be off with you!" The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared

Roses are red, Violets are blue, I copied your test and I flunked too!

I like to sleep, and stay in bed, all because you cracked a hammer on my head.

Vincent Van Gogh had a really large family. Here's a listing of some of the lessor known ones... The grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia ........ U. Gogh The brother who bleached all his clothes white .. Hue Gogh The cousin who was a blues musician- Indi-Gogh The fruity brother- Man-Gogh The sister who wore a mini skirt to dance in bars ... Go Gogh The real obnoxious brother .......... Please Gogh The brother who ate prunes ............ Gotta Gogh The uncle who worked at a convenience store ....... Stop N Gogh His dizzy aunt ............. Verti Gogh The cousin that moved to Illinois ......... Chicah Gogh His magician uncle .............. Wherediddy Gogh The cousin who lived in Me

Ms. Suzy had a steam boat, the steam boat had a bell! The steam boat went to heaven, Ms. Suzy went to... Hello operator, please give me number nine! And if you disconnect me, I'll chop off your... Behind the frigerator, there was a piece of glass! Ms. Suzy sat upon it, and broke her big fat... Ask me no more questions, tell me no more lies! The boys are in the bathroom, zipping up their... Flies are in the meadow, bees are in the park! Ms. Suzy's with her boyfriend, kissing in the d-a-r-k, d-a-r-k dark, dark, dark!

During a trip from California to Indiana, it didn't help that my connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical problems. Then, after we were aloft, I noticed the lights began flickering. I mentioned this to a flight attendant. "I'll take care of it," she said. Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she had solved the problem by turning off all the lights. A passenger across the aisle who had been watching me leaned over and said, "Whatever you do, please don't ask about the engines."

The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot, said, "I would like to know two things. First: Why did you revolt? Second: How did you get out of your cell?" One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled because the food is awful." "I see. And what did you use to break the bars?" the warden asked. Replied the spokesman, "French Toast..."