There was once a beautiful woman named Rebecca who lived with 3 men: an author, an artist, and a blind man.They each visited her once a day. One day Rebecca was taking a shower when she heard a knock at the door, so she put on a towel and answered the door. It turned out to be the artist. He said, "Congratulate me, congratulate me! I have just finished a masterpiece." Rebecca congratulated him, then closed the door. Right when Rebecca was getting back in the shower, she heard another knock so she put her towel back on and it was the author. He said, "Congratulate me, congratulate me! I have just finished a new best-seller." Rebecca congratulated him, then closed the door. Rebecca got ba

1. You yell and scream for help, and when it comes you ask for the remote. 2. It is a workout to play high intensity video games. 3. You decide to be a republican because you bought a truck with a republican sticker on it. 4. You sell your step-brother's stuff on e-bay for video game money. 5. You've hired someone to laugh at these jokes for you. 6. You shop online even though it's more expensive because you don't want to leave your house. 7. You died of a preventable illness because going to the doctor would take actual work. 8. You've hired someone to sleep with your wife because it's to "hard". 9. You have the sofa in the back of the Guiness 2000 book. 10. You, your wife, and kids all liv

What was the witches favorite subject in school? SPELLing

Here are some fun things to do in a public library if you get bored there... 1. Read out loud. Very loud. And slowly. 2. While pointing to a very simple word, like 'the', ask the person next to you if he/she can pronounce it for you. 3. While looking at your book, turn so you're facing the person. Then, peer over the top of your book, and say "PEEKABOO!!" 4. Put down your book, and look over and start reading the other persons book, and either 1) say, "Ooo, nice book," or 2) when he/she looks at you, quickly pick up your book and act like you're reading it. 5. Suddenly look over at him/her, and say, "You're one of THEM!" 6. Put down your book, and look at him/her. When they says someth

Some fun things to do the next time you're on one of those long international flights to kill time... Pinch the stewardess' butt as she passes. When two people kiss in the in flight movie, belch real loud. When there's any nudity, hoot really loudly for a few minutes. Fart loudly and act shocked, looking around to see who did it. Fiddle around with the emergency exit, then ask a fellow passenger if he has a crowbar. Hijack the cockpit and, over the loudspeaker, announce that the first class passengers and luggage are to switch places. Run down the aisle screaming, "He's got a bomb! He's got a bomb!" Go into the bathroom and make rude bodily noises, then come out looking refreshed. "

Ever wonder what all those advertising terms really mean? ---------------------------------------------------------- NEW - Different color from previous design. ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design. EXCLUSIVE - Imported product. UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition. FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments. ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it. IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming. FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment. HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit. FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does. REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope. DIRECT SALES ON

Mary had a little lamb, And a little pony too, She put the pony in a field, And the lamb into a stew!!

His death won't be listed under "Obituaries," it will be under "Neighborhood Improvements."

HOW TO GET A TAN WITH A BLOWTORCH HOW TO BE FUNNY by Gilbert Gottfried MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O J Simpson ZAGAT'S GUIDE TO CITIES WITHOUT A STARBUCKS THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen DeGeneres THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT FAST & EFFICIENT WINDOWS PROGRAMS HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman THE WILD YEARS by Al Gore BEATING A DRUG ADDICTION by Darryl Strawberry AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock. Baby conceived naturally; Scientists stumped. Authentic year 2000 "Chad" sells at Sotheby's for $1.6 million. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2044. Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only. 35 year st

+15°C / 59°F This is as warm as it gets in Finland, so we'll start here. People in Spain wear winter-coats and gloves. The Finns are out in the sun, getting a tan. +10°C / 50°F The French are trying in vain to start their central heating. The Finns plant flowers in their gardens. +5°C / 41°F Italian cars won't start, The Finns are cruising in cabriolets. 0°C / 32°F Distilled water freezes. The water in Vantaa river (in Finland) gets a little thicker. -5°C / 23°F People in California almost freeze to death. The Finns have their final barbecue before winter. -10°C / 14°F The Brits start the heat in their houses. The Finns start using long sleeves. -20°C / -4°F The Aussies f

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. - Robert Benchley Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. - James Baldwin Life is hard. After all, it kills you. - Katherine Hepburn If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn't you? "Would you like some breadsticks?" "No, thank you, I don't play bread. I play drums. Perhaps I'll have a drum roll." - George Carlin How old would you be if you didn't know how old you were? - Satchel Paige Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. - Jim Carrey My dog is half pit bull, half po