What has wheels and flies? Answer: Garbage truck

The following diet has been circulated at one of the local clinics. Some may find it stimulating. BREAKFAST: --------- 1/2 grapefruit 1 slice whole wheat toast 8 oz skim milk LUNCH: ------ 4 oz lean Broiled chicken breast 1 cup steamed zucchini 1 Oreo Cookie Herb tea MID-AFTERNOON SNACK: ------- Rest of package of Oreos 1 qt. rocky road ice cream 1 jar hot fudge DINNER: ------- 2 loaves garlic bread Large pepperoni & mushroom pizza Large pitcher beer (any brand - it all comes from the same horse, anyway) 3 Milky Way bars Entire Sara Lee cheesecake - direct from freezer. DIET TIPS If no one sees you eat it --- it has no calories. If you drink a

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT

1) Umm... 2) Well... 3) Hmmm, er... 4)

When kids say: The party is supervised = It's supervised by a grandparent who falls asleep most of the time. I'm doing well in school = Oh crap, I need help. It's okay, I don't need help = Get the heck away from me. When men say: Hi honey, how are you? = I've been cheating on you for the last 2 months, or, I cheated on you last night. When women say: I'm too tired to make dinner = Who do you think I am making dinner for you every night? Can't a woman take a frickin' break?

Annoy People -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. Pay tolls with $100 bills 2. Leave your supermarket cart on the street or in the middle of the parking lot 3. Eat produce at the market; don't buy it 4. When giving directions, leave out a turn or two 5. Leave the outdoor Christmas decorations up until March or April 6. Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons 7. Knock and ask "How is it going?" to someone constipated in a public bathroom stall. 8. Develop at least three strategies for cutting into the front of lines 9. Announce when you're going to the bathroom 10. Chew other people's pencils 11. Invit

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating... You

1. M.U.D.D.- Must use Drugs Daily 2. A.D.I.D.A.S.-All day I Dream About Sex 3. P.M.S.- Pretty Mean Stuff 4. F.B.I. Federal Beauro of Idiots 5. C.I.A.-Clueless Idiots Agency 6. N.C.I.S.-Neurologically Challenged Imbocil Society 7. P.h.D. Pretty Happy Dyke 8. U.C.L.A. Unidentified Cunt Lickers Anonymous 9. A.R.A. Agency- Anti Redundancy Agency 10. N.R.A.- Never Redundant Agency

If you can run and play any sport while wearing chanclas.... MEXICAN... If your late Tio left you a van and you turned it into a taco vending business, Yes, you're a Mexican. If you pronounce words beginning with the letter "S" by putting an "E" in front of it, (estop instead of stop), big time Mexican. If you call a chair, a sher, you got it.... Mexican. If you have ever hurt yourself and your mamacita rubbed the area while chanting, "Sana, Sana, Colita de rana....." You're Mexican, big time!!! If you have your last name in old English lettering anywhere on your car, truck, or tattooed on your back, Yes!! you ARE a Mexican (proud one too!) If you re

How do you know Adam wasnt black? Have you ever tried to take a rib away from a black man? How do you know when Mexicans are illegal? When you scream "La Migra", and everybody is gone in less than a minute. How do you know when a white guy's family is really white? When he tries to be black or mexican.

We have all had bad dates, but this takes the cake. This just tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays. This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize! She said it was midwinter, snowing and quite cold; and the guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mount

Q: How do you sink a canadian submarine? A: You swim underneath it and knock on the door