Cards That You Won't Find At Hallmark - "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?" "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife." "How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?" "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind." "I must admit, you brought religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you." "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me." "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy. . ." "Thanks for being a part o

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large." Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows." The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a mob of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?" The Aussie, fed up with the Texan's bragging replies with an incredulous look, "What, don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs. He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle." "OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?" "A fottle," replies the inventor. "A fottle? That's stupid! Can't you think of something else?" "I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton." "And what do you call that?" asks the clerk. "A farton", replies the inventor. "That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!" "In that case," says the inventor... "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."

Funny Book Titles ========================= 40 Yards to the Latrine by Willy Makeit and Betty Wont 50 years in the saddle by Major Asburn A Bestiary of Plant Eaters: Herb Avore A Boxing Cornerman's Story: Dawson DeTowel A Great Plenty by E. Nuff A Stitch in Time by Justin Case A Stuntman To The End: Kenny Doitt A Trip to the Dentist by Yin Pain A Whole Lot of Cats by Kitt N. Caboodle Acrophobia Explained: Alfredo Heights Advanced Maths by Smart E. Pants After The Corned Beef And Cabbage: Kay O'Pectate Ah, Thor!: Ty Till All Alone: Saul E. Terry Allegiance To The King: Neil Downe Almost Missed the Bus by Justin Time Ambulance Driving: Adam Muhway Ambush! by May T. Surprise And Shut

Here are some excuses for if someone asks you to do something with them... I'd love to but... I have to floss my cat. I'd love to but... I've dedicated my life to linguini. I'd love to but... I want to spend more time with my blender. I'd love to but... The President said he might drop in. I'd love to but... The man on television told me to stay tuned. I'd love to but... I've been scheduled for a karma transplant. I'd love to but... I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture. I'd love to but... It's my parakeet's bowling night. I'd love to but... It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People. I'd love to but... I'm building a pig from a kit. I'd love to

Here are some excuses if someone asks you to do something with them... I'd love to but... People are blaming me for the Spanish-American War. I'd love to but... I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out. I'd love to but... I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator". I'd love to but... I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer. I'd love to but... My yucca plant is feeling yucky. I'd love to but... I'm touring China with a wok band. I'd love to but... My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night. I'd love to but... I never go out on days that end in "Y". I'd love to but... My mother would never let me hear the end of it.

Here are some excuses if someone asks you to do something with them... I'd love to, but I prefer to remain an enigma. I'd love to, but I think you want the OTHER [your name]. I'd love to, but I have to sit up with a sick aunt. I'd love to, but I'm trying to cut down. I'd love to, but I need to eat some food for thought. I'd love to, but I've already used up eight of my nine lives. I'd love to, but the jury is still out. I'd love to, but I'm going to catalog my cutlery collection. I'd love to, but my cat has a yeast infection. I'd love to, but it's against my religion. I'd love to, but the voices say that if I go to work/school, then I will have to sacrifice an animal/smal

Here are the Top 15 excuses for if you are pulled over by a police officer for speeding, running a red light, etc. 15.) Sorry, I slipped on a banana peel... 14.) Oooohh, you're a policeman? I thought you were just another speeder! I was trying to get away so you wouldn't hit me! 13.) I'm sorry officer but Dunkin Donuts is right ahead, not here. 12.) I'm sorry officer, but I already have a date. 11.) (For Americans caught speeding in Canada...), say, "What's a kilometer?" 10.) "So THAT'S what those signs are for!" 9.) I'm sorry I was speeding officer, but I have diarrhea. 8.) If I was speeding, you were probably speeding to catch me, so how about we forget about the whole thin

SHOTGUN RULES: Ever have the problem of catching a ride with someone whose car doesn't have much of a back seat? At times like these, it is important to know the rules of calling shotgun. Never again will you let someone take advantage of you because you don't know the rules. Section I - General Rules 1) The first person to yell "SHOTGUN" gets to ride in the front seat. 2) The remaining back seats may be divvied up in the same manner by being the first to call "back right seat", etc.. 3) The word "shotgun" must be loud enough to be heard by at least one witness. If no witness is to be found, or in case of a tie, the driver has the final word. After all, it is most likely his car. (note:

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He says, "What are you doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free!" Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm going to Vegas too. I want to see you live on $800 a year!"

For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from a girl, our computers facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, "Leave me alone!" They both jumped back, silenced. "What the . . . " the teacher said. I typed, "I said leave me alone!" The kid got real upset. "I

There were three prisoners who were about to be executed by the electric chair. The guards strapped down the first one, a Frenchman, onto the chair, and they asked him for his last words. "Vive la France!" he said, meaning 'Long live France'. When they pulled the switch, nothing happened. Everyone was amazed and thought that a miracle had occurred. The Frenchman was saved from death and released. The guards strapped the second one, an Englishman, in the chair. When asked for his last words, he said, "Long live the Queen!" Again, when they pulled the switch, nothing happened. He was saved and released. When they asked the last prisoner who was an Irishman for his last words, he sa