This is a true story: A rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see her wayyy up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What diffe

You Know You're From Canada When... 1.) You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk." 2.) You understand the phrase, "Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield." 3.) You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars. 4.) You drink pop, not soda. 5.) You know what a Mickey and 2-4 mean. 6.) You don't care about the fuss with Cuba. It's a cheap place to go for your holidays, with good cigars. 7.) You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway. 8.) You drive on a highway, not a freeway. 9.) You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers. 10.) You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group. 11.) You get excited w

The "road hog" in front of you on Main Street is a farmer's combine. The local phone book has only one yellow page. Third Street is on the edge of town. You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe, and when you go back the next day, it's still there, on the same chair. You don't signal turns because everyone knows where you're going, anyway. No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished. You call a wrong number and they supply you with the correct one. Everyone knows all the news before it's published; they just read the hometown paper to see whether the publisher got it right. The city limits signs are both on the same post! The City

You Know You're From New York City When... 1.) You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan. 2.) You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building. 3.) You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Wisconsin on a map. 4.) Hookers and the homeless are invisible. 5.) The subway makes sense. 6.) You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual. 7.) You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Apple". 8.) The most frequently used part of your car is the horn. 9.) Y

Funny Names of Real People A. Blinkin A. Nicholas Fivepennies Aaron D. Tires Aaron Jeglad Aaron Yerfavor Abbie Birthday Abbie Seenia Abe L. Tuwok Abe Ozo Abe Rudder Abel N. Willan Abner Period Acassa Beer Acassa Coke Achilles Punks Ada Burger Adam Baum Adam Meway Adam Pimple Adam Zapple Adelaide Evening Adolph D'Plate Agusta Wind Al B. Zienya Al Beback Al Bequerque Al Bino Al Cahall Al Catraz Al Coholic Al Dente Al DePantzeu Al Fabet Al Fresco Al Gebra Al Gee Al Gore Ithem Al K. Seltzer Al Kaholic Al Kickurass Al Kida Al Killeu Al Ligator Al Low Al Lowe Vera Al Luminum Al Nino Al O'Moaney Alan A. Daiswerk Alan D'Family Alan Goodtime Alba Tross Alberto Viofive Albie L

Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken.Call the manager! Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.

A man was searching the dictionary for the word 'Dictionary'. He found this meaning: Dictionary is the thing you are holding, Stupid. Wondering what the definition of stupid was, he searched for the word stupid, he found: Is that you again?

It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing. A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed. It is unlawful for a person to consume an alcoholic beverage while operating a motor vehicle upon a public roadway, if the person is observed doing so by a peace officer. The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home. When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone. It is illegal to d

1. I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. 2. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost information, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?" 3. I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response was "click." 4

You Know You're Addicted to Harry Potter When... 1.) You make a wand and try to use it. 2.) You call your least favorite teacher Snape. 3.) You call your favorite teacher Dumbledore. 4.) You wear robes to school or work. 5.) You make "floo powder", get in the fire, and try to go to your friends' house. 6.) You have read all the books more than four times. 7.) You've been bookstore at midnight to get the latest Harry Potter book before all your friends. 8.) You've worn a Harry Potter costume in public. 9.) You have a crush on one of the Harry Potter characters. 10.) You've gotten at least one of your friends addicted to Harry Potter. 11.) You actually caught the "Wand Order" mista

Beware of the following new computer viruses ===================================================== ADAM AND EVE VIRUS - Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. AIRBAG VIRUS - Can only cause harm if you are a petite computer operator who sits too close to the screen. Provides a handy ON-OFF switch in most current release. AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS - You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. AL GORE VIRUS - Claims that it is the Internet. Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting. ALZHEIMER'S VIRUS - It makes your computer forget where it put your files. APPLE VIRUS - Virus-8, originally planned as a revolutionary redesign of aging but classic virus software, ha

A woman was singing. One of the guests turned to a man by his side and criticized the singer. "What a terrible voice!" he said. "Do you know who she is?" "Yes," was the answer. "She is my wife." "Oh, I beg your pardon." The man said, "Of course her voice is not bad, but the song is very bad. I wonder who wrote that awful song." "I did." was the answer.