Said the pig to his pop, "There's the candy shop. Oh, please Let's go inside." "And I promise I won't make a kid of myself if you give me a people-back ride."

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000." "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000." "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months? How sad." "Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

All of the following town names are REAL: Long Dong (Guangxi, China) Blowhard (Australia) Pickles Gap (Arkansas) Petting (Germany) Mount Mee (Australia) Titting (Germany) Lickdale (Pennsylvania, USA) Yocumtown (Pennsylvania, USA) Fugit (Kentucky, USA) Assinippi (Massachusetts, USA) Big Cockup and Little Cockup (England) Cocktown (Wexford, Ireland) Sally's Gap (Ireland) Dick Johnson (Indiana, USA) Beaver Bottom (Kentucky, USA) Black Butte (Oregon, USA) Sandy Balls (England) Tilicum (Washington, USA) Cockburn (Australia) Bangor (Wales) Dyckesville (Wisconsin, USA) Ballville (Ohio, USA) Prickwillow (England) Black Charlie's Opening (England) Kinmount (Ontario, Canada)

A tourist to New York City, Bob, was marveling at the Poe opera house. As a man passed by Bob asked "Was this building named for the great author and poet Edgar Allen Poe?" "No," replied the man, "the building was named for James Poe." "What did he write?" asked Bob. Said the man, "A check."

Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press-no-one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969. If you have a nervous disorder, please

An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband. The mother asks the daughter, "What are you doing naked?" The daughter responds, "This is the dress of love." When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband. When her husband arrives, he asks her, "What are you doing naked?" She responds, "This is the dress of love." "Well," he says to her, "go iron it."

Halfway along a commercial flight, a stewardess spoke out to the surprised passengers, "Ladies and gentlemen! We have the honor to announce that you happen to be aboard the 10,001st flight of Good Grace Airlines! To celebrate this historic event, we are glad to give each of you a special valuable gift." The passengers immediately broke into a cheerful applause, congratulating each other on the sudden luck they had. Then one man said aloud, "This is really exciting! But why didn't you choose the 10,000th flight? I suppose it's a better number for a celebration." "Certainly we did," replied the stewardess, "but unfortunately, because that flight crashed, we decided to shift the celebration

Fill in the blank to this odd analogy. Quiz is to quizzical as test is to _______

Two Frenchmen came to New York for a vacation. The first thing they did leaving the hotel was to buy an American-French dictionary. Without a guide, they decided to learn English word by word in the simplest way they could think of -- continuously browsing through the dictionary, picking at random a certain word and look up its definition. So they went into a coffee shop and started off right away. The first word they came upon happened to be "Ouch" which was defined as "an interjection used to express a mixed feeling of surprise, sudden pain and anger." It was then that they suddenly realized they did not have the slightest idea what those cryptic pronunciation symbols might sound like. Th

From an interview with a millionaire: "What is your secret to making money?" "Quite simple. Before entering business I observed that most of the sales profits are generally lost in the handling of complaints and refunds. So I made my decision to try to eliminate these expenses." "I can say that's quite a big task!" "Not for me. I simply started selling parachutes."

"May I have your name, please?" "My name's Myne." "What?" "My name is Myne." "Uh... I know your name is yours but..." "Wait, who told you my name is Yores?" "What? I think I said your name is yours..." "You think you know my name better than me?" "Oh, no, of course, that's why I said your name is yours..." "Hey, listen, now I'm telling you, my name is not Yores..." "Sure, that's just what I said!" "OK, then forget it, now you got my name?" "Sorry no, what's your name again please?" "My name is Myne." "Yes, yours, I know..." "Not Yores, Myne. Myne, did you hear?" "Yes, I do, I know that. But does that mean you won't tell your name?" "What? And you said you heard it right! I already told you."

It was opening night at the theatre and people came from miles around to see the the very famous hypnotist do his stuff. As the hypnotist took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The people had heard of the famous magic of the hypnotist, so the excitement was almost electric as he withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chant