What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? time to get a new fence!

It has been determined. The most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position. The husband sits and begs. The wife rolls over and plays dead.

A Teenager is... A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number. A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast. A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday. Someone who can hear a song by the Back Street Boys played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room. A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed. A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver's license. A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study.

One day, I had to pick up my ne're do well brother because his car had broken down. I probably shouldn't have done this, but I wanted to show off my cool new car I got, so I agreed. I left work at about five o clock and I went to the gas station before I picked up my brother. Of course, after a few bad incidences with the gas station attendants, I discovered that self serve was the way to go, so I pulled up and hopped out of my car. When I was finished pumping the gas, I pulled out the pump, but I had forgotten to completely let go of the handle, so some gas spilled out onto the sleeve of my jacket . 'Big deal' I thought, and I paid for the gas and got back into the car. Well, something

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour".

- "Someone must have shot you with a phaser set on 'stunning.'" - "I can't help it -- my eyes are trapped in the gravitational field of your breasts!!" - "Nice Asimov." - "Not only can I beam you aboard, I can beam you a woody." - "Earth woman, prepare to be probed!" - "I'm the droid you're looking for." - "Is that a spare Vulcan ear in your pocket or... well, I'm just asking because some jerk in the parking lot pulled off one of my Vulcan ears." - "Hey, baby. I own Microsoft." - "Your mouth says, 'Shields up!', but your eyes say, 'A hull breach is imminent.'" - "If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you watch me masturbate while I download pictures of Jeri Ryan?"

Recent Canadian government research has shown that cigarette smoking not only impairs sexual ability, it actually causes shrinkage of the male sexual "equipment." Wow! If that is true, we need to get the word out ASAP! Maybe the warning on the cigarette packs should be updated to reflect this new information. How about something like this: * Warning!: These cigarettes are king size -- how about you? * Warning!: Smoking sections in restaurants aren't the only things getting smaller. * Warning!: If you don't reduce your smoking, your smoking will reduce you. * Warning!: Smoking may lead to ridicule on your honeymoon. * Warning!: Smoke rises, but you may not. * Warning!: Second-hand smok

A group of guys are on their way to a party, but couldn't quite remember the address to the house. ''I'm sure this is the one," said the driver. ''Well, I have got to go to the bathroom SO BAD.'' Replied one of the others, ''I'll go knock on the door, and check. If it's the wrong house, at least I'll get to a toilet!'' So he gets out and walks to the front door. He rings it once....No answer. He rings it again.....Still no answer. So, he thinks, ''This is a big house, big party, maybe the party is outside, in the backyard.'' So he walks around the house to the back, there was no one out there either. As he approached the back door, he was suprised to find it unlocked, and opened. There was

A little boy was sitting on the couch while his parents were arguing. "I don't want your bastard family coming over for Thanksgiving." said his mom. "Mom, what's a bastard?" asked the little boy. "Oh, that is just your dad's family." she replied. "Well I don't want those bitches you call family to come either!" his dad said "Dad, what,s a bitch?" "Oh, it is just your moms family."he said Later the little boy went and took a shower with his mom. He looked up and said, "Mom what are those?" His mom was surprised she didn't know what to say so she said, "Oh, they are tits. something grown ups wear under there clothes."The boy seemed satisfied and got out. He then took a shower with hi

-Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses. -Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship. -Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants. -Bathhouses are against the law. -In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs. -No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour. -Women may not drive in a house coat. -It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway. The good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered . . . 1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. 2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran. 3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart. 4.Funny, I don't remember being absent minded... 5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair. 6. If all is not lost, where is it? 7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. 8. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few... 9. It's hard to make a comeback when y