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How do you keep an idiot in suspense? I'll tell you tomorrow!

A Kerryman emigrated from Ireland to England, thereby increasing the average IQ of both countries.

1) Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people - whether they are employed or not. 2) When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish. 3) If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22. 4) It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. 5) Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving. 6) Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent wi

Two delicate blossoms of Southern femininity, one from Mississippi and the other from Texas, were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The Mississippian said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me." The Texan lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?" The lady from Mississippi continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive." Again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?" The first woman boasted, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet." Yet again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn'

A man was walking through Beverly Hills selling door to door what he claimed to be the "Magic Elixir of Life". Of course, the police arrested him and ran a computer check of him. They found the man had quite a long record of such dealings. He was first arrested for that type of crime in 1660.

Ok Umm Uhh, Ahhh! Oh well, I just forgot what I was gonna say. Man I'm stupid

Me: Do you wanna hear a good joke? Amy: Yes! Me: Me too!

"That guy looks like Jesus... and so does his friend.. did Jesus have a twin?" "No, at least.. I dont think he did.. never thought about it" "Oh, well. Twins are awesome... hey, why is Jesus walking into our school? *gasp* what if he rapes us all?! JESUS IS A PEDO!" "Calm down, Jesus isn't a pedo, he loves kids!" "Gee, that helps"

Funny Signs: Tailor's Shop: Ladys have fits upstairs. Restaurant: People who find the waitresses rude ought to see the manager. Restaurant: We serve people like you as good food! Mall: The lift is being fixed today. We regret that for the next 24 hours you will be unbearable. Muffler Store: No appointment necessary, we will hear you coming. Restaurant: Today's Special - Soup $5.00, Dessert $3.50, Children, $4.00. Zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, please give it to the guard on duty.

What's better than going to school? Having play time every day!

Why did the limping man sit on a scorpion? He thought that it would be "pinched"!