There were three men stranded on an island with nothing to eat, but a bowl of mac n cheese. The first guy says, "I have an idea, lets all swim to the other side and the first one there gets the bowl of mac n cheese". They all tie so the second guy says, "I have an idea, lets all swim back and the first one back gets the bowl of mac n cheese". They all tie again and the third guy says, "I have an idea, lets all go to sleep and the one with the best dream gets the bowl of mac n cheese". The next morning the first guy says, "I dreamed I ate all the mac n cheese in the world". The second guy says, "I dreamed I ate the bowl of mac n cheese". The third guy says, "Yankee Doodle went to town ridin o

A man walked into a café and he said, "Could I have a breakfast". The cafe owner said, "Certainly, sir". He said, "But could you do it my way". The owner says, "What's your way". He says, "I want a fried egg that's been over-cooked so it's got a rubbery texture so I can bounce it up and down on the floor, I want bacon that's so brittle that when I stab my fork in it it springs around the room, I want baked beans that are cold in the middle, hot on the outside, I also want fried bread that's dripping in grease with no crispy bits". The owner says, "I haven't got time to do all that". The man says, "Well, you f*cking found time yesterday!"

This is the conversation from "That 70s Show" when Fez first "does it." Note: If you have never seen the show, these are, you guessed it, teenagers. Fez: Knock-knock. Kelso: Who's there? Fez: I did it! *Everyone claps* Kelso: Wait, wait, I wanna hear this. I did it who? Eric: Wait a minute...this isn't like the time you bought a hamster, named it Virginity, and lost it? Fez: No, this is the real thing. Kelso: You know, I had a hamster once. I tied him up to a helium balloon with a note, made it all the way to Minnesota. Eric: Alive? Kelso: No, I'm going to send a dead hamster up in a balloon. Eric: So, come on, tell us all about it. Fez: Well, it was incredible. Nina and I started off kissi

I always find myself arguing with my sister over who got up earliest in the morning. It's ridiculous. I have to remind myself that I really don't care. Usually this is what happens... (sister walks into the room) Her: Hey. What time did you get up this morning? Me: Um...around 9:00. Her: Oh. I woke up at 7:30. Me: Well, I woke up at 6 and didn't get back to sleep until 8:00. It always takes me a while to get back to sleep... Her: Yeah, I got up a bunch of times this morning. The dog woke me up. Me: (under my breath) Dammit.

With iPhone, dialing contacts is a snap. Let's say you wanted to contact your ex-girlfriend to let her know how badly she's hurt you. Simply press her name, and the call is dialed. "Dammit, Rick, stop calling me!" Then, when another call comes in, simply place that call on hold and answer the second one. "This is Detective Hanson, from the Bay Area Police Department." To block the call, simply press ignore. iPhone is also the best iPod ever made. With it, you can listen to the song that was playing when she said you'd be together forever. *music* Then, you can use Google maps to locate the street where she's moved away to. Simply touch the traffic button and iPhone tells you the best route t

iPhone is a revolutionary portable communications device, and now it's gotten even better with the iPhone 3G. Keeping your calendar up-to-date is a snap. You can go back to the day you spent $600 on the first generation iPhone, then scroll forward to see the day the price was lowered by $200. You can even view pictures of your reaction when you found out you might as well have thrown $200 bills into a urinal. And peed on them. Use the all-new scientific calculator to tally how much the new iPhone 3G is going to cost you, factoring in the 15 to 25 percent increase in monthly service charges. Don't forget to subtract what you could sell your first generation iPhone for. The new iPhone has GPS,

10. Horton Hears a Ho 9. National Pleasure 2: Book of Secretions 8. I Am Legend...In Bed 7. The Suck It List 6. I Know Who Drilled Me 5. Scat-Atouille 4. Gush Hour 3 3. No Country for Old Balls 2. Alvin in the Chipmunks 1. Iron Man

NFL - National Farting Legends BC - Before Comedy BAD - Being A Dumbass BEG - Big Evil Grin BF - Begging Forgiveness AA - Admirable Alcoholics NASA - Never Associate Sex with Aircrafts AAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse ATLA - Another Three Letter Acronym BANANA - Being A Nuisance And Never Apologizing BFI - Bunch of F***ing Idiots BICBW - But I Could Be Wrong (used rarely) BMTIPG - Brilliant Minds Think In Parallel Gutters BSOD - Blue Screen Of Death CADET - Can't Add, Doesn't Even Try COTFLGOHAHA - Crawling On The Floor Laughing Guts Out And Having A Heart Attack (why don't we see this more often?) CPF - Can Pigs Fly? (well can they???) CRAFT - Can't Remember A F***ing Thi

I have no soul. yes, Thats why I'm an asshole! I have somethin' up my ass and no, that ain't no mole. I pick on everybody 'cause I'm a nobody. My girlfriend left me. Sometimes I go crazy and go out in the streets and yell "COME FUCK ME!" Everyone asks me, "Hey, whats up your ass!".Yeah I know I've sucked a lot of ass. The juices, oh, they are delicious as they come to pass. As I sit behind my computer and write jokes, my mother chokes On my cock. And I hear a knock. And who is it? Its my friend, a Gay. So, I send my mother away. I do it hardcore. I wont let him go 'til his ass is sore Even though my dick is inches-four. I have nothing to do 'cept suck on my dirty socks 'cause I am such

Q. Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's day? A. Regular Rocks are too heavy!

Je suis très émue de vous dire que j'ai bien compris l'autre soir que vous aviez toujours une envie folle de me faire danser. Je garde le souvenir de votre baiser et je voudrais bien que ce soit là une preuve que je puisse être aimée par vous. Je suis prête à vous montrer mon affection toute désintéressée et sans cal- cul, et si vous voulez me voir aussi vous dévoiler sans artifice mon âme toute nue, venez me faire une visite. Nous causerons en amis, franchement. Je vous prouverai que je suis la femme sincère, capable de vous offrir l'affection la plus profonde comme la plus étroite en amitié, en un mot la meilleure preuve dont vous puissiez rêver, puisque votre âme est libr

"Daddy, there's a man knocking on the door with a beard!" "No wonder I didn't hear him!"