Q: What do you call people who use condoms? A: Parents.

Category: Situation Body: A lecher, a drunkard and a smoker arrive at hell and the devil says to them: "Don't worry, everything is happy here. To you, lecher, I am going to give you a full room of beautiful girls. To you, drunkard, I give you a thousand boxes of beer. And to you, smoker, I give you one ton of cigarettes. I will return after 10 years to see how you are." The 10 years passed and the devil returns. The lecher, happily, says to the devil: "Give me more girls than these, they are already boring to me." Soon it's going to see the drunkard and, also happily, says to the devil: "Give me more beers. I have already finished all of them". At last, it's going to see the smoker. But t

A Wocka user has average joke comedy 2.5, but he doesn't get the smiley. Why can it happen? Because his average joke comedy is between 2.495 and 2.5, which is rounded up to 2.5.

#1 At a Gift shop Counter '"My One and only" Valentine cards, Is now available in Multi-packs!!' #2 At a Washing Machine in a Washers 'When Finished, Please Remove Pants' #3 At a Handdryer in a Toilet 'Warning: Please do not operate this machine with wet hands!' #4 At a Highway beside a river 'Warning: Road closed due to flood if you don't see this sign!' #5 At a Repair Shop Sign at door: 'We repair anything!' Sign at bell: 'Sorry, Bell broken."

A little child about a year old begins to talk. His dad asks him, "What would you like for your first birthday?" The child answers, "A pink ping pong ball." "Sure," says the dad. The kid turns five and again is asked, "So what would you like for your birthday, son?" "A pink ping pong ball," he says again. "OK." Ten years old and is asked for another birthday present, and he answers, "A pink ping pong ball." "Why do you keep asking for a pink ping pong ball, sport?" "I'll tell you later, dad," answers the child. The boy turns into a man, twenty-one years old. "My boy is finally old enough to drink! What do you want for your birthday?" The child thinks..."A pink ping pong ball!" "Why the

If you can touch it and you can see it, it's REAL. If you can touch it but you can't see it, it's TRANSPARENT. If you can't touch it but you can see it, it's VIRTUAL. If you can't touch it and you can't see it, it's GONE.

Some useless inventions: 1) A waterproof teabag 2) A swimsuit store in the North Pole 3) Sugar free, fat free, taste free chocolate 4) A parachute that opens on impact 5) An ejector seat in a helicopter

Carlos Mencia orginally said this but it's still true... What's makes life beautiful is the essence of the fact that it can go away - so you don't wanna live like that. You don't wanna be the person, do you, that had a fight. An inconsequential, insignificant, stupid, fight with your spouse about who was supposed to open or close the window, or turn off the light at that bedtime, so you did it but you were pissed and you stayed pissed with you wife. Not cuz it was real, but hell, we'll make up later and nothing better than make up sex, is there? And in the morning you woke up and things were still bad. But you kept that cuz, hey, I'm gonna come back and we're gonna do it - and then wha

"I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'" "I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'" "I saw a guy at a party wearing a leather jacket and I thought, 'That is cool.' But then I saw another guy wearing a leather vest and I thought, 'That is not cool'. Then I figur

"Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. I gotta go by the outfit. Pants - uh oh. Bathing suit - okay. Naked - we'll see. Should I be swimming faster, or am I getting laid?" "Saying 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral." "They say that you can tell man apart from other animals by his ability to reason. I think you could also go by last names. What's his name? Patches? Patches what? That's a dog. Don't waste my time." "Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ballgown." "One of my friend

"I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?!?' 'B-batteries, DANG IT!!!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'" "A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. 'Dude make a left.' 'Those are trees...' 'Trust me.' "I like the beach. I like to get there really early before everyone else shows up and take like thirty bottles with notes in them and throw them into the water. Then I wait for everyone to come to the beach and when someone go

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters. It was my friend's birthday and I was mad at him, so I sent him a card. It said happy birthday, but I put quotes around the word "Happy"... sarcastic birthday, douchebag. I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then Í said, "Does he bite?" She said "No," and I said, "Oh yeah? Then how does he eat? ... Liar." I think it would be cool, if you were writing a ransom note in Microsoft Word, and it popped up, the