Q: What is the first thing you are taught when joining the French army? A: To say "I surrender" in German

Why was Jesus not born in France? Because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.

Did you hear about France's new weapons contracts? They gave one to Ace Hardware to produce 250,000 wood sticks . . . They are still looking for a company to produce 250,000 little white flags.

Q: Where are the brave French soldiers buried? A: There aren't any so they had to bury some of ours on their soil.

Two guys were swapping stories in the park one day and one guy (a war vet) mentioned that during the war he was captured and held for weeks without food. The other guy asked, "How could you survive without food?" "It wasn't easy," he said. "But I had a big meal before I was captured and learned to eat my own shit." "WHAT?? That's disgusting!" said the first guy. "I don't believe you!" Without a second thought the vet reached into his pants, shit in his hand and promptly ate it on the spot. The second guy (now gagging) said, "My God! If you can do that so easily, we can bet big money and rake in a fortune!!" "Sounds good to me," said the vet. "I can use the money." The next day the guy

·Money is not everything. There's Mastercard & Visa. ·One should love animals. They are so tasty. ·Save water. Shower with your girlfriend. ·Behind every successful man, there is a woman. And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two. ·Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life. ·The wise never marry, and when they marry they become otherwise. ·Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives. ·Love is photogenic. It needs darkness to develop. ·Children in back seats cause accidents. Accidents in back seats cause children. ·The more you learn, the more you know. The more you know, the more you forget. The more you forget, the l

We're here on the airport, where a group of people have just arrived after being stranded on an island for more than a year.

Two babies were born in the same hospital on the same day and ended up in adjacent basinettes in the nursery. Eighty-five years later, by coincidence, each of them is admitted to the same hospital with a "terminal" diagnosis, and they end up in the same two-bed semi-private room. And one of them rolls over and says to the other "So, what did you think?" Thanks to Steven Wright

Twenty Something - The cost of a sitter for Saturday night. Fancy Restaurant - One that serves cold soup on purpose. College - The four-year period when parents are permitted access to their home telephone. Hors D'oeuvres - A sandwich cut into 20 pieces. Kissing - A means of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other. Emergency Numbers - Police station, Fire Department and fast food places that deliver.

One evening, a woman received an unexpected call from a ticket clerk at a major airline. He read a list of names and asked if she knew any of the people. "Yes," she said, "they're all friends of my son. How can I help you?" "The crew was cleaning a plane, and they found this address book," the clerk explained. "After seeing no identification, we looked through the entries and found one we knew could help us. It was under M for Mom."

My friend said, "Can I hang out with you?" I replied in a choking voice, "I have a spare noose in the closet."

A man named John was walking back to his house, when a stranger walked up to him and said, "I'll give you tree beans if you give me your house." But John was drunk, so he thought he said, "If you give me tree beans, I'll give you my house." So John said, "Yes." And while he was taking out some beans, the stranger gave him three beans and ran in his house. John hollered, "WAIT! YOU HAVE TO FEED THE DOGS OR THEY WILL ATTACK YOU CRAZILY!" But the stranger didn't hear him fully and replied, "Oh. Don't feed the dogs? O.k.!" The next day the stranger came out, all torn up and came to John and said, "I want my beans back."