In North England: 'mornin' In West England : How ya doin' In India : Get up you lazy chit. Don't you need to go to work ?

·In several places on your tax forms, he's written, "Give or take a million dollars." ·Tells you to put all your money into British cattle futures. ·You notice that his "calculator" is just a broken VCR remote. ·Insists that there's no such number as four. ·He laughed at the Bob Dole background check. ·Counts family of squirrels living in your yard as dependents. ·Advises you to save postage by filing your taxes telepathically. ·Instead of C.P.A. license, he's got a framed photo of a shirtless Alex Trebek. ·Demands that you call him the "Una-Countant." ·He's got a 1040 Form tattooed on his arm.

Number of physicians in the US = 700,000 Accidental deaths caused by physicians/year =120,000. Accidental deaths/physician = 0.171 Number of gun owners in US = 80,000,000 Number of accidental gun deaths/year = 1500 Accidental deaths/gun owner =.0000188 Conclusion - Doctors are approximately 9000 times more dangerous than gun owners!

BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES...THEY COULD COME IN HANDY A repeat offender got a life sentence for a small-time shoplifting caper in Jupiter, Florida. The man stole $49.73 worth of boxer shorts, panties, a sports bra and some cigarette lighters from a Wal-Mart store. His fatal mistake was flashing a knife at a security guard - which turned his petty theft into a felony. Since the man had been released from prison less than three years ago, Florida's repeat offender law required the judge to send him away for life without the possibility of parole. INSULT TO INJURY An unemployed sanitation worker in Miami is also facing life in prison - for shooting himself in the privates. In a drunken

You Know You've Been Drinking Way Too Much Coffee When... Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. Your so jittery that people use your hands to shake paint cans. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down. Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp. When you call radio talk shows, they ask you to turn yourself down. Your life goal is to amount to a hi

Why was the moron hitting his head against the wall? Because it felt so good when he stopped ! What do you call 12 morons at the bottom of a pool? An air pocket! Why did the moron drive his truck off the bridge? He wanted to check his airbrakes! How many morons does it take to screw in a light bulb? 3...one to hold the bulb, and 2 to turn the chair! Why did the moron open the refrigerator door? He wanted to see the salad dressing! How do you confuse a moron? Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner!

50 FUN THINGS TO DO ON FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL: 1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and saying, "Quite right, old bean!" 2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the overhead projector. 3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp points. 4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook. 5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond "that's my name, don't wear it out!" 6. Introduce yourself to the class as the "master of the pan flute". 7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would go if he died tomorrow. 8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to s

Subject: 1997 Darwin Award Winner!!! For those who don't know, this award is an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way; thus, eliminating his/her genetic material from the gene pool. For those of you who do know about the award, you may recall last year's Darwin Award winner: the man who found out moments before making a 300 MPH dent in an Arizona cliff that the JATO (Jet Assist Take-Off) unit he'd strapped to his car was not equipped with an off switch. 1995's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which fell on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it. And

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!" MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money you father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?'" HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on the wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!" COLUMBUS'S MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered Christopher, you could have written!" BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, How many times have I told you--quit playing baseball in the house! that's the third window you've broken this week!" MICHAELANGELO'S MOTHER: " Mike, can't you paint on walls like other child

The woman at the supermarket checkout was giving the clerk a hard time. As her audience in the waiting line increased, she became more abusive. Finally, the patient clerk came to a dog's flea collar. The checker asked the customer if she was aware that the package had been opened. "Of course, I opened it," the woman snapped. "You can't expect me to get it home and find out it's the wrong size." A voice from the line spoke for all of us: "Wear it in good health."

There's a fella in a fast-food outlet, and he's just received his order of 7 hot-dogs, 9 Big Macs and 6 large Cokes. The counterhand says, "Would you like a tray?" The customer replies, "Steady on, haven't I got enough to carry already?"

Get to the ledge of the plane. Then, you will do the following: 1.Squat 2.Pray 3.Leap 4.AHHHH! (It's what you scream on the way down, isn't it?) 5.Touchdown Yes sir, thats S...P...L...A...T In other words, SPLAT!