An elderly man and his wife, vacationing at a cabin by the lake, were sitting on the porch and reminiscing about their younger years. "This is the lake where I learned how to swim when I was a small boy," the husband said. "My father threw me into the water and I had to learn how to dog paddle to get back to the shore or drown. It was sink or swim." "That was a cruel thing for your father to do," the wife said. "How could a loving father do such a thing to a small child? That must have been a very difficult way to learn how to swim." "Not really," replied the husband. "Learning how to swim was the easy part. Getting out of that burlap bag first was the hard part!"

This really happened (honest!) A man was receiving death threats from another man, so he took him to court. The judge threw the case out on the basis that "the threats obviously hadn't been carried out." Really, how stupid can you get?

A group of American tourists were on a guided tour through an ancient castle in Europe. "Ladies and gentlemen," the guide said, "this castle is over 700 years old. Nothing has been altered or touched in all those years." "Sounds like they have the same cheap landlord I have!" exclaimed one of the tourists.

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day, an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a sandstorm. Several days later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained for the entire day. "This Indian is amazing," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian failed to show up for a couple of weeks. Finally, the director sent for him. "I have a big scene to shoot tomorrow," the director said, "and I'm counting on you. What will the weather be like?" "Not know," replied the Indian, shrugging his

A murderer was secured to the electric chair, about to be executed. The chaplain approached him and asked, "Do you have any last requests?" "Yes," replied the murderer. "Would you hold my hand?"

If four people are standing under an umbrella and the umbrella has a hole in it, how many people are getting wet? None. It wasn't raining!

"Now, as we don't have enough parachutes for all of us..." "Of course that's not a mountain in front...isn't it?" "That's not meant to happen!" "What dy'a mean were not meant to be going to Iraq?" Things you don't want to see on an aeroplane: Fire engines and ambulances surounding the runway when you come in to land. Armed soldiers and tanks surrounding the runway when you come in to land. The wing fall off.

What you don't want to hear on an aeroplane: "You can't leave us now Captain, not at this stage!"

Nick's Grandma gave him a map to her house. The address was 1767 Old Miffs Road. Nick traveled till he got to Old Miffs road. He didn't pay attention to the sign and thought he was lost. He stopped at a woman's house and she opened the door. "Why hello there!" the woman said. "Nice to see you, Nick." Nick couldn't hear her, so he asked "Do you know where 1767 Old Miffs Road is?" "You're here," she said, but Nick still couldn't hear her. He went to a different house down the road. He asked "Do you know where 1767 Old Miffs Road is?" "Yes, it's right there." "This isn't Old Miffs Road!" "Pay attention to street signs."

Carole was planning her upcoming wedding and asked to wear her mother's wedding gown. When she tried it on, it was a perfect fit on her petite frame. Suddenly, her mother's eyes filled with tears. Putting an arm around her, Carole lovingly said, "Don't cry, Mom. Remember, you aren't losing a daughter, you're gaining a son." "Oh, it's not that," her mother sobbed. "I used to fit into that gown!"

Everyone on a passenger ship could see a bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands. "Who is that man?" a passenger asked the ship's captain. "Why is he so upset?" "I have no idea," the Captain replied, "but, every year when we pass by here, he goes crazy."

Supermarket A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain. When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh hay. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn. Though I do have to say... I don't buy my toilet paper there.