Hillary Clinton noticed that she was unusually hungry, having stomache pains, and hasn't had her period for 2 months. She decides to go a doctor to get checked out. The doctor returns with the diagnosis that she is indeed pregnant. As you can imagine, the first thing she did was call her husband, Bill Clinton. "Honey, I have some news for you. You got me PREGNANT." After a few minutes, Bill's voice comes back on the line. "Don't panic. I will sort this out, but first I need to know who you are." *This is not true*

Man 1: "I was on the television last night." Man 2: "Were you really?" Man 1: "Yeah. When I'm drunk I'll sleep anywhere."

"Excuse me, is this tuna dolphin-friendly?" "Dolphin-friendly? He was only best man at Flipper's wedding!"

Why did the chicken cross the road? I don't know To get the Chinese newspaper Get it? No Neither do I. I get USA Today

Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out. Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred. Marriage is the sole cause of divorce. Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity. Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced. Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man. Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license. Marriages are made in heaven an

Here's a chain mail I recieved. Hi there, Thought For The Day "Good looks catch the eye but a GOOD personality catches the heart. You're blessed with both!" Don't be flattered, this message was sent to ME! I just wanted YOU to read it. PASS IT ON.

*Do You Love As Good As You Look? *Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life *Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure *Here's A Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares *How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? *Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral *I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling *I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me *I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart *I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You *I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck! *I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win *I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy *I'm Just A Bug On The

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her room-mate. "Terrible!" the room-mate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce." "Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?" "He was the original owner!"

A women's lib speaker was addressing a large group and said, "Where would man be today if it were not for woman?" She paused a moment and looked around the room. "I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?" From the back of the room came a voice, "He'd be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries."

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget." So they awakened the old man and asked him to tell a story. "Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. "I don't know how long I was asleep when I suddent

Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on one's enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself. Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver. Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka. Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install. Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time) Ba