Why don't blind people sky dive? Because it scares the crap outta the dog.

TEXAS SALESMAN - A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job." You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." Boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says "$101,237.64." Boss says "$101,237.64? What the heck did you sell?" Th

2 old ladies are at the bus stop waiting for a bus when it starts to rain. Not wanting to lose her cigarette, one of the old ladies took a condom and a pair of scissors out of her purse, snipped off the end of the condom and slid it over her cigarette. The 2nd lady noticed this and thought it was a brilliant idea, so the next day she goes to the pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. The man says, "Sure, what size would you like?" The woman, thinking about her cigarettes, says, "One that will fit a Camel."

A decrepit old gas man named Peter While hunting around for the meter His torch he did light He arose out of sight And, of course, as a result, he totally, completely and utterly destroyed the meter!

I put a blank tape in my TV and turned the volume all the way up. The mime next door went crazy and called the cops.

alarm clock, n. a device for waking up people who don't have small children

The captain of a ship hears his first mate calling from above deck, "captain, there is a pirate ship off the starboard side!" The captain takes the looking glass, sees the ship, and tells the first mate, "ready the cannons and swords, prepare the men for battle, and bring me my red shirt". "Aye, aye captain," says the first mate, and carrys out the orders. The men fight bravely, and after a long battle, defeat the pirates. The first mate asks the captain, "Well done sir, but why did you need the red shirt?" to which the captain replied "if I was wounded, I didn't want the men to see the blood and become disheartened, and so, lose the battle". The next day, the captain hears his first

(From a machine at a college dorm:) A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. (Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his vali

Couple of things you oughta know Firstly, when I'm born, I'm black!! When I grow up, I'm black When I get sick, I'm black When I go out in the sun, I'm black When I'm cold, I'm black And when I get scared, Gee, I'm black And When I die, I'm still black But you white fella... When you born, you pink When you grow up, you white When you get sick, you green When you go out in the sun, you red When you get cold, you go blue When you get scared, you yellow And when you die, you purple And YOU got the cheek to call ME coloured??!!

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? Through a catalogue!!

A man walked into a stockbroker's office and said to the receptionist, "I just won the lottery, and I want to open an account with your %**!&%*! company." Heads turned in shock at hearing the man's language. "I'm sorry, but we don't allow that kind of talk here," the receptionist said. "You'll have to leave." "I told you I want to open an account with this %**!&%*! company," the man insisted. Suddenly the manager came out. "What's all the swearing about?" he asked. "I just won $12 million and I want to open an account with your %**!&%*! company," the man replied. "Oh, I see," said the manager. "And are these %**!&%*! people giving you a hard time?"

2 guys decide to go down to Mexico and start a bungee jumping business. So they go down to Mexico and start setting up the equipment on a bridge while a curious crowd gathers at the bottom of the bridge and watches. Once the equipment is set up one of the friends decides to test out the stuff. So he sets off and as he bounces back up the first time he comes up with a bloody lip. The second time he bounced back up he had a black eye and a gash on his face to go along with the bloody lip. The other friend tried to catch him but missed. The third time he came back up his face was swollen on the right side and he had blood all over his face. The friend finally caught the other man and tried to t