Category Jokes - Other / Misc
A white horse walked into a bar. The barman saw him and said, "We have a whiskey named after you!"
The horse looked puzzled and said, "What, Eric?"
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang.
"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy up in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "this is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"
"At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub-that makes 8!"
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!" said Paddy, "I'll have to
A drunk man walked up to an elevator. He pressed the up button and opened the doors before the elevator could come down to him. He fell all the way down, and said, "Darn it, I said up."
A man and his wife were cleaning out their attic when the man found a shoe repair stub in the pocket of an old jacket. "Hey - check this out," he said to his wife, "this stub is 20 years old. I wonder if the shop still has the shoes."
So the next day the man went to the shoe shop and asked the owner if he still had the shoes. The owner disappeared into the back of the shop for about five minutes.
When he returned, he replied happily, "Yup, believe it or not, we've still got the shoes. They'll be ready next Thursday."
The Pope, a hippie, and George Bush were all on a plane that was crashing. The pilots had already jumped to safety and there were only two parachutes left. Without a moment's hesitation, Bush grabbed a pack, yelled "I'm the most powerful man in the universe! I have to survive!", and jumped from the plane.
The Pope, being the generous man that he is, said to the hippie, "You go ahead and take the last parachute. I'm an old man and I have lived a very full life."
The hippie thanked the Pope but said, "Don't worry - we'll both be fine. The most powerful man in the universe just jumped off the plane with my backpack."
It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked he
A young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
Another young, beautiful woman gets onto the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 dollars an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both of the women in the eyes, farts, and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!"
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war-weary soldier asked: "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said; "You Americans, you are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked: "Please, lady, may I sit there? I'm very tired." T
There's a lovely young woman in New Zealand who is getting her house redecorated. She is walking around the house with the builder, telling him what colors she is thinking of painting the walls.
They go firstly into the dining room, and she says that she'd like it painted a nice lilac color. The builder nods, before yelling out the window, "GREEN SIDE UP!"
They then move into the kitchen. The woman says she was thinking of a pale blue for this room. The builder nods, before again yelling out the window, "GREEN SIDE UP!"
They then continue into one of the bedrooms, and the woman says she wanted this one a yellow color. The builder nods once again, then yells out the window, "
1. Britney Spears & Eminem
who, combined, have written more books than they've read.
2. Dr. Phil McGraw
who has managed to convince millions of women to buy his self-help books, despite the fact that his most hight-profile patient, Oprah Winfrey, is an overweight woman with serious commitment issues.
3. America's Oil Companies
for a lifetime body of work proving that oil and water don't mix.
4. Yasser Arafat & Ariel Sharon
for those 2 consecutive days last March when no Israelis or Palestinians killed each other.
5. Bill Gates
for creating the X-Box and convincing Americans that their children need a $200 video game system during a recession.
6. The Editors of Maxim
for man
Home
