A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and mixed emotions when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap; I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time." She said, "You have the biggest penis of all your friends."

These danish chicks flash their hairy armpits, while they catch guys' reaction on candid camera. Scroll in a few minutes - it is hilarious http://www.dr.dk/pirattv/programmer/soestrene-bidsk/soestrene-bidsk-tester-angst-for-haar/

An elderly couple was watching the news when the man farts. The man asks "Was that me, or you?"

A heavy-set woman goes into a drug store and asks for talcum powder. The bowlegged clerk says, "Walk this way," and the woman answers, "If I could walk that way I would not need talcum powder!"

Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars." Husband : "How about the ones like mine?" Wife : "Those they gave away." Husband : "I had a dream too . . . I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand." Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?" Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

Q: What's the best way to kill a man? A: Put a pretty blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one. Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe. Q: What is the difference between men and women:.... A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need. Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg ? A. They don't stop for directions. Q: How does a man keep his youth? A: By giving HER money, furs and diamonds. Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

What a mother wants for Mother's Day 10. To be able to eat a whole candy bar (alone) and drink a soda without any "floaties" (ie, backwash). 9. To have my 14 year-old daughter answer a question without rolling her eyes in that, "Why is this person my mother?" way. 8. Five pounds of chocolate that won't add twenty. 7. A shower without a child peeking through the curtain with a "Hi Ya Mom!" just as I put a razor to my ankle. 6. A full time cleaning person who looks like Brad Pitt. 5. For my teenager to announce "Hey, Mom! I got a full scholarship and a job all in the same day!" 4. A grocery store that doesn't have candy/gum/cheap toys displayed at the checkout line. 3. To have a

CONCLUSION: There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting: 30% of women think their ass is too fat . . . 10% of women think their ass is too skinny . . . The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world.

Dear John, I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled and then it broke down about a mile down the road and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter! I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour's daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help? Sincerely, Sheila John's reply... Dear Sheila,

An elderly couple was sitting on their front porch one day when the husband said: "Whenever I get at mad at you, you never seem to get upset. How do you manage to control your temper?" "I just go and clean the toilet," his wife replied. "How does that help?" asked her husband. "I use your toothbrush."

At a local college dance in Sweden, an American asked a local girl to dance. While they were dancing, he gave her a little squeeze, and whispered, "In America, we call this a hug." She replied, "Yaah, in Sveden ve call dis a hug, too." A little later, he gave her a peck on the cheek. "In America, we call this a kiss." She replied, "Yaah, in Sveden ve call dis a kiss, too." A few drinks later, they moved out to the campus lawn and had sex. "In America," he told her, "we call this a grass sandwich." She replied, "Yaaah, in Sveden ve call dis a grass sandwich, too, but ve put more meat in it!"

Dick Hurtz (Yeah, we heard ya.) Dick Assman (I wish that last name was superhero name.) Teola doing the Hula to Hawaii (The New Zealand girl who had that name got rid of it in court.) Rusty Kuntz (Ouch.) A. Fucks (Sorry forgot the first name.) (A Brazilian soccer player's name.)