A furniture dealer from Knoxville, Tennessee, decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris, France to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip to the French capitol), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Tennessee. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the one other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian woman came to his table, ask

Hopeless Romantic. Seeking: Filthy Whore

One night a man is driving in his car and hears police sirens behind him. The man knows that with his car he could never out-drive the cop, so, seeing the officer looks fat and out of shape, he opens his car door and makes a run for it. The chase goes on about 20 minutes, with the cop finally catching him. The cop, completely out of breath, tells the man that he will not bring him to the station on one condition - the man, wondering why the cop wasn't going to turn him in, asked what the condition was. The cop said he wouldn't turn him in if he would help him lose another 5 pounds!

There was an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman, all talking about their teenage daughters. The Englishman said - "I walked into my daughter's room and saw a razor on the floor. I didn't know she was old enough to shave." The Irishman said - "That's nothing; I walked into my daughter's room and saw a tampax. I didn't know she was old enough to start her periods." The Scottsman said - "Well, I walked into her room and saw a condom lying on the floor - I didn't know she had grown a cock!"

One night a couple was in their room and the woman had just performed amazing oral on her man. He asked her where she had learned how to do it like that. She than said to him, "It took some practice but your dad finally taught me how to do it right."

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and she would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought an identical dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not - I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day." A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they

A king and a queen were ruling a kingdom together, but they weren't friends at all. The king hated the queen, and the queen hated the king. The queen had a disorder, which had no name. When you asked her a two-way question (e.g. true or false) she will answer the word she heard last, so if you ask her, "Do you need water to live, true/false," you know what she'll answer. The city they ruled over was a bad city, there were crimes almost every hour. They had to be responsible over the town. One day, someone murdered the King's son, and was trying to find out who had done it. He announced to the town, "The one who killed my son, will be hanged, no matter who you are!" People searched and se

"You know 'that look' women get when they want sex? Me neither." ~ Steve Martin "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." ~ Woody Allen "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." ~ Rodney Dangerfield "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." ~ Billy Crystal "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." ~ Tom Clancy "Ah yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a

Some men will got to extraordinary lengths to prove how macho they are. Frenchman Pierre Pumpille recently shunted a stationary car two feet by headbutting it. "Women thought I was a god," he explained from his hospital bed. Deity or not, however, Pumpille is a veritable girl's blouse compared to Polish farmer Krystof Azninski, who staked a strong claim to being Europe's most macho man by cutting off his own head in 1995. Azninski, 30, had been drinking with friends when it was suggested they strip naked and play some "men's games". Initially they hit each other over the head with frozen turnips, but then one man upped the ante by seizing a chainsaw and cutting off the end of his foot. Not

A Mexican jail guard died from an excess of zeal while supervising an inmate's conjugal visit. Raul Zarate Diaz was closely watching his charge from the roof of the prison when he tripped over an air vent, crashed through the skylight, and fell 23 feet to land beside the bed where the inmate and his wife were, against all odds, enjoying an intimate moment. The interrupted prisoner, offended by the intrusion, attempted to start a riot, but was squelched by prison security. Prisoners in the Tapachula facility reported that Diaz was in the habit of prowling the prison roof during conjugal visits, in search of prisoners to supervise. Local law enforcement reported that the guard was clutching a

This account of an aircraft accident is quoted directly from the National Transportation Safety Board report, with comments added in [brackets] for clarity. Aircraft: PIPER PA-34-200T, Registration: N47506 Injuries: 2 Fatal. The private pilot and a pilot rated passenger [two pilots] were going to practice simulated instrument flight. Witnesses observed the airplane's right wing fail in a dive and crash. Examination of the wreckage and bodies revealed that both occupants were partially clothed and the front right seat was in the full aft reclining position. [The pilots had converted the co-pilot seat to a bed.] Neither body showed evidence of seatbelts or shoulder harnesses being worn. [The

Fill in the blank: The person who spends all of today bragging about what he is going to accomplish tomorrow probably did the very same thing _________. Yesterday.