While I was visiting my sister one evening, I took out a candy dispenser that was shaped like a miniature person. "How does that thing work?" she asked. As I turned the figurine's arm to pop candy out, my sister laughed. "I see ... it's a lot like my husband," she said. "You have to twist his arm to get anything out of him."

Special Cheesecake One of my co-workers decided it was time to shed some excess weight. She took her new diet so seriously that she even changed her driving route to avoid her favorite bakery. One morning, however, she arrived at work carrying a gigantic cheesecake. We all scolded her, but her smile remained cherubic. "This is a very special cheesecake," she explained. "I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window was a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, 'Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious cheesecakes, let me have a parking spot directly in front of the bakery', and sure enough," she continued, "the ninth time around the bl

Virgin Mary wanted to visit Hell, so she went to God and asked if she might do so. "Yes," God said. "I have only one warning for you. You must stay away from booze, drugs and men. Will you promise me so?" "Yes," Virgin Mary said. "And remember to call me every night," God said, before Virgin Mary left. So, in the first night, the telephone rang in Heaven. "Heaven," God answered. "Hello, it´s Virgin Mary here ... I'm sorry to tell you, but I am a bit drunk ... I couldn't resist the temptation. Will you forgive me?" asked Virgin Mary. "Yes I will. Now stay clear of drugs and men, will you? And call me tomorrow," said God. The following night, the phone rang in Heaven. "Heaven," God answered.

Marg and Sam invited a couple over for a evening of bridge. "Sam," Marg said, "this is the last couple that will ever accept an invitation to come to our house. If you dare to do anything to offend them tonight, I will crucify you!" After they played for a while, Marg went into the kitchen to get some refreshments. When she returned, she saw that Sam was sitting at the table by himself. She put the tray down and said, "What did you do to run them off this time?" "I didn't do anything," Sam replied. "We were just sitting here and a mouse ran across the floor. Sue looked at me and said that we can get rid of mice by shoving steel wool into their little holes. All I asked was, 'How do you ho

An elderly couple were on a road trip and stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. They finished their lunch and it wasn't until they were back on the highway that the old woman realized she had left her glasses behind at the restaurant. They had to continue on the highway for quite some distance before they were able to find a spot to turn around. The old man grumbled and complained all the way back to the restaurant. When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the old man said, "While you're in there, you may as well get my hat, too!"

"I'm feeling so ashamed of the way we live," a wife said to her husband, who preferred to spend his time laying on the couch watching TV, rather than finding a job. "My father pays our mortgage, my mother buys all of our groceries for us, my sister buys us our clothes, my uncle bought us a car. I'm feeling so ashamed." The husband raised his head and replied, "Well, you should feel ashamed. Those three worthless brothers of yours never even give us a cent!"

An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. She was so upset that she went up to the man and said, "I was going to park there!" The man, being a real smart alec, said, "Oh, well, that's what you can do when you're young and bright." This made the lady even angrier, so she got in her car, backed up, pressed on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes. The young man raced back to his car and exclaimed, "What did you go and do that for?" The little old lady replied, "That's what you can do when you're old and rich!"

A cowboy entered a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine, please." The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. "Young lady," the cowboy said, "you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room." "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that at all," she replied. "No problem," the cowboy said, "just tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference." "You tell him," she said. "He's the one shaving you."

It was a very hot day in Minnesota. Inga finished hanging up the wash, put dinner in the oven and headed downtown to do some errands. "Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself, as she walked down Main Street. As she passed by a tavern, she thought, "Vy nodt?" So she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink. "Ya know," Inga said, "it is so hodt. I tink I'll have myself ze coldt beer." "Anheuser Busch?" asked the bartender. Blushing, Inga replied, "Vell, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"

One Christmas, a parent decided that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties. As a result, their grandmother did not receive acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given. However, things were different the following year. "The children came over in person to thank me," the grandparent told a friend triumphantly. "How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do you think caused the change in their behavior?" "Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied. "This year I didn't sign the checks."

An old Indian is standing on the corner, when an attractive young woman passes by. The Indian raises his hand in greeting, and says, "Chance!" The same thing happens several days in a row. The woman walks past and the old Indian raises his hand and says, "Chance!" Finally, she can't ignore it any longer, so she stops and asks, "You're an Indian, aren't you?" The Indian nods. She says, "I always thought Indians said 'How!' as a greeting." The Indian replies, "Already know 'how'. Just want 'chance'."

A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they run?" he asked the clerk. "That depends," said the salesman. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000." "Let's see the $2.00 model," he said. The clerk put the device around the man's neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed. "How does it work?" the customer asked. "For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesman replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!"