Joe and Bill are out fishing and sipping beer while discussing football and NASCAR. All of a sudden Joe says, "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months." Bill sips his beer and says, "You better think it over, women like that are hard to find."

3 married women are sitting around chatting about their married life and eventually the subject of birth control comes up. The 1st woman says, "Well, we use condoms and they seem to work ok; we only have 3 children after 20 years of marriage." The 2nd woman speaks up. "We use the pill and it works really well; we only have 2 children after 20 years of marriage." The 3rd woman finally speaks up and says, "Well, we don't go for any of that fancy stuff; we use the bucket and saucer method and we don't have any children after 15 years of marriage and we have sex just about every day." The 2 other women are shocked that someone could be married for 15 years and not use any conventional birth

A couple was arranging for their wedding, and asked the bakery to inscribe the wedding cake with "1 John 4:18" which reads, "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear." The bakery evidently lost, smudged or otherwise misread the noted reference, and beautifully inscribed on the cake, "John 4:18" "For you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband."

How Men Are Like Dogs * Both take up too much space on the bed * Both have irrational fears about vacuuming * Neither tells you what's bothering him * Neither of them notices when you get your hair cut * Neither understands what you see in cats

Some people divorce for good reasons, some for bad. Then there are people who divorce for these reasons: A man from Conneticut filed for divorce because his wife left him a note on the refrigerator that read "I won't be home when you return from work. Have gone to the bridge club. There'll be a recipe for your dinner at seven o'clock on Channel 2." A housewife filed for divorce on the grounds that her husband was having an affair. The woman became suspicious when every time the phone rang, her myna bird spouted things like "Divorce," "I love you" and "Be patient."

Signs of Aging Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work. You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere. Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D. You get winded playing chess. You're still chasing women but can't remember why. You look forward to a dull evening. Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..." You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going. Your knees buckle, but your belt won't. You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.

Signs of Aging You just can't stand people who are intolerant. The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off. You burn the midnight oil until 9 pm. Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by. The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife. You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet. The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals. Your children begin to look middle-aged. You've finally reached the top of the ladder only to find it's leaning against the wrong wall. Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep. You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the wa

What was the last thing NASA heard before apollo 13 crashed? Let her drive.

This old couple is ready to go to sleep so the old man lays on the bed but the old woman lays on the floor. The old man asks, "Why are you going to sleep on the floor?" The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."

Many many years ago when I was twenty three, I got married to a widow who was as pretty as could be. This widow had a grown up daughter, Who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed. This made my dad my son-in-law, And changed my very life; My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife. To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me pride and joy, I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy. My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad. For if he is my uncle, Then that also made him brother To the widow's grown up daughter Who, of course, was my step mother. Father's wife t

Woman's guide to sex: Lay there and pretend to enjoy the experience and when it is done tell your partner it was the best you ever had. Man's guide to sex" In, Out repeat if necessary!

After everything I say I want you to say "I am a Man." You go to a bar. I am a man You see a girl and go meet her I am a man You take her home I am a man You get in bed with her I am a man She whispers in you ear I am a man (This is very funny when saying it out loud with a friend. Instruct them to say "I am a man." after each line you say.)