What do you do if you find your old man staggering around the backyard? Shoot him again!!!

A ninety-year-old couple was going to bed, and the old lady was feeling romantic. She said to her husband, "I remember, when we were younger, how you used to hold my hand at night." Grumbling under his breath, her husband reached over and held her hand. Shortly after, she said, "I remember how, when we were younger, you kissed me every night before we went to sleep." Really getting ticked off, the husband gave her a quick peck on the cheek. Then she said, "I remember how, when we were younger, you used to bite my neck." Angrily, the man threw the covers off of himself and stormed out of the room Surprised, the woman called after him asking what he is doing. "Going to get my teeth!" he replie

A man, traveling by plane, was in urgent need of a restroom facility but each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies' room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: WW WA PP ATR Making the mistake soooo many men make, of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow, these gals really have it nice!" So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body

My wife is so house-proud, we live next door.

GOSSIP: something that no one claims to like but everyone enjoys. KISS: To a geographer: The shortest distance between two curves! To a physicist: The contradiction of mouth due to expansion of heart. To an accountant: A credit because it is profitable when returned. OBESITY: A surplus gone to waist. OLD AGE: When you wink at a woman and she says, "Anything wrong with your eye, Uncle?" RAINCOAT: Thunder wear! WRITER'S CRAMP: Authoritis! HEMOPHILLIA: A disease of blood with affinity (philia) to "he" (male) only.

John took Mary to the movies, and they both enjoyed the show very much. Afterwards, John asked Mary what she wanted to do; "I want to get weighed," she said. He took her to a drugstore, where the machine said she weighed 107 pounds, but for the rest of the night she pouted and sulked. When they finally got to her house, John tried to kiss her, but she said, "Go on home now, I've had a wowsy time."

A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher. The note read: Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety. Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.

In a small town, farmers of the community had gotten together to discuss some important issues. About midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up and spoke her piece. When she was done, one of the old farmers stood up and said, "What does she know about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?" Quick as a flash, the woman replied, "Take off your boots sir, and count them yourself!"

Because I had forgotten the dates for a number of my friends' and relatives' birthdays and anniversaries, I decided to compile a list on the computer and have the dates highlighted on screen when the machine was turned on. I went to a number of computer stores to find a software program that would do the job but had no luck at the first few. I finally found one where the clerk seemed experienced. "Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries?" I asked. "Have you tried WIFE?" he replied.

What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it. What's the quickest way to a man's heart? Straight through the rib cage. Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they're all pigs. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner? A power failure.

Wife: Will you love me when I'm old and ugly? Husband: Darling, of course I do...

Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married." "Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good, too!"