There was once an extremely wealthy woman who had reached the age of "over 50" without ever having a boyfriend, let alone a date or sex. She determined to catch up with the rest of the world and set her lawyer & accountants to find her the perfect man to share her life & money. Her requirements were: he must be handsome, intelligent, athletic and above all he must be a virgin. The lawyer & accountants started a world-wide search to fulfill her request, and after almost a year found the perfect candidate in the wilds of Australia. He was everything their client wanted and had never even seen a woman. After much convincing, the groom was put on a jet to meet the bride. It was lo

1. Send him to the store for tampons, telling him to ask which is the best brand. 2. When he tells you he loves you say, "I do, wait, I don't love you!" 3. Tell him you're a covicted serial killer everytime he asks you how are you. 4. Spill his favorite and most expensive cologne down the toilet and tell him he made me do it!

What does a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common? Men always miss them.

A man and his wife are in the bed watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" He turns to her and says, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. He replies, "Is that your final answer?" "Yes," she said. He then replies, "I'd like to phone a friend." That's the last thing he remembers. . . .

There once was a girl named Ann Hyser Who claimed that no man could surprise her. But old Pabst made a push at the Schlitz in her Busch and now she is sadder Budweiser! *This joke was made by Bill Klompus* Go Bill!!

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?" Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"

Can a mane date the sister of his widow? No, because you can't date when you are dead.

A judge frowns at the criminal report of the man he is judging. He asks, "So you robbed the same store on three successive nights?" The robber replies, "Yes your honor." The judge, even more perplexed asks, "And why was that?" "Because my wife wanted a dress," says the robber. The judge checks with his records, "But it says here you broke in three nights in a row!" "Yes sir. She made me exchange it twice."

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning. Commandment 2. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. Commandment 3. Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand! Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is. Commandment 6. Marriage is when a

Q. Why do women fake orgasms? A. Because they think men care!

As we all prepare to start a new year, it is time again to make those ever so important New Year's Resolutions. Here is my list of recent years' resolutions and the revised ones for 2006. Resolution #1 2003: I will try to be a better husband to Lisa. 2004: I will not leave Lisa. 2005: I will try for reconciliation with Lisa. 2006: I will try to be a better husband to Rachel. Resolution #2 2003: I will stop looking at other women. 2004: I will not get involved with Rachel. 2005: I will not let Rachel pressure me into another marriage. 2006: I will stop looking at other women. Resolution #3 2003: I will not let my boss push me around. 2004: I will not let my sadistic boss drive

A cowboy has lived to an extremely old age, and one day his grandson asked him to what he attributes his long life. "Well, you know that every morning, I have a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast," says the old timer. His grandson nods. "Before I eat it, I sprinkle a little gunpowder on it, every day," The ancient cowpoke adds. The grandson decides to follow his grandfather's breakfast regimen, and each morning of his life, he has oatmeal with gunpowder sprinkled on it. Sure enough, the grandson lives to the ripe old age of 97, and when he died, he left seven children, twenty one grandchildren, eighteen great-grandchildren, and a fifteen foot hole in the side of the crematorium.