A young woman had just purchased her dream car, a new Ferrari convertible, and was having trouble tuning her radio to a station she wanted. She returned to the dealership and confronted the salesman, complaining about the radio. "Miss," the salesperson said, "this is a very sophisticated radio. There is no requirement to use the buttons or dials. You merely give voice commands to whatever type of program you desire." So after she received her instructions, she headed out on the highway. "Country Music," she said, and instantly a country crooner was singing away on a country station. After a while she said, "Oldies," and instantly she heard "Blueberry Hill." A few minutes later, a guy in

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay." His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay, doesn't that mean you have oral sex with other men?" The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mum, that's right." His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around and WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and said

A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave." "Who?" "This guy named Dave. He always did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave." "There are always a few clouds over everybody." "Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros, too. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star." "He was something, huh?" "Oh, you don't know the half of it. He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine

A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?" The mother, surprised, answers, "Well, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only."

One day a man was sitting in his favorite chair watching football when his wife walked up behind him and knocked him over the head with a frying pan. When he woke he asked, "What the hell was that for?!?" "I found this piece of paper in your pants while I was doing your laundry and it says Mary Lou 555-5555. Who the hell is Mary Lou?!?" she asks. "Aww honey, that's the name of the horse I was bettin' on last week!" "Oh I'm so sorry honey!" Three weeks later she came behind him and knocked him over the head with a frying pan and once again he woke up asking, "What the hell did I do this time?!?" "Your horse called," she replied.

One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the...?," he said to himself as a little blue dust cloud appeared when he shook them out. "April!" he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?" She shot back, "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."

1. You wear a D... & A-C is tissue paper. 2. Your friends are guys, your partners are girls. 3. Anorexia is a four-letter word. 4. Pink is your favorite color... & hot pink is second. 5. Monika Lewinski is your role model. 6. You think foreign affairs is screwing two French guys. 7. M.U.D.D. means must use drugs daily. 8. ADIDAS means All Day I Dream About Sex. 9. ADIDAS applies to you. 10. It takes half of a lite beer to get you totally wasted.

These are all from my experiences. That's why they're funny. 1. You build a miniature boat out of a hostess box, water bottles, and duct tape, and float it down a river seven times. 2. You buy a headlamp, move it in circles on the wall, and say it follows wherever my head goes. 3. You make a hand with some sticks, a plastic soda bottle lid, some bugs, and a magnifying glass. 4. You pop each and every bubble on bubble wrap... in random order. 5. You line up thirteen megaphones just to see what it would do.

Goldie, a middle aged Jewish woman goes to see a fortune-teller. "Two men are madly in love with me!" Goldie says. "Who will be the lucky one?" The swami answers...."Morris will marry you, and Irving will be the lucky one."

You know you are addicted to coffee if ... You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You sleep with your eyes open. You have to watch videos in fast-forward. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. You chew on other people's fingernails. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas. You can type sixty words per minute with your feet. You can jump-start your car without cables. You don't sweat, you percolate. You

1st woman: I took my son to the zoo yesterday. 2nd woman: Did they accept him?

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk. 9. Our love will never become cold and hollow Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow. 8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore. 7. This feels so good, it feels so right I just wish it wasn't $250 a night. 6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass. 5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!! 4. Through all the things that came to pass Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass. 3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie I just wished