Wife: I always bring your picture with me everyday when I go to the office. Husband: Oh. That must be because you love me so much. Wife: No, it's because whenever I see your picture, I realize that however hard the problem is in office, I'm lucky with my work because there is a much bigger problem and that's you." Husband:Ouch!

"Yes" = No "No" = Yes "Maybe" = No "I'm sorry" = You'll be sorry "We need" = I want "It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now "Sure... go ahead"  = I don't want you to "I'm not upset"  = Of course I'm upset, you moron! "We need to talk"  = I need to complain "You're certainly attentive tonight"  = Is sex all you ever think about? "Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs "This kitchen is so inconvenient"   = I want a new house "I want new curtains"  = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper... "I heard a noise"  = I noticed you were almost asleep "Do you love me?"  = I'm going to ask for something expensive "How much do yo

A woman, who had just been married to a gambling man, had learned upon marrying him that he always came home well after midnight. She didn't like this one bit, and no amount of reasoning with him would make him miss a night out with the guys, so every night for a week she would stay up till he came home, and when she heard him enter the house she would call out: "Is that you, Ben?" She did this for a week, and then he started coming home promptly at 7:00 every night. Why, you might ask? His name was Jacob.

Dear __________________________,     I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right.  As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.  I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available.  So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition: (Check those that apply) __ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it. __ Your first name is ob

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again. The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist." The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?" "Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another and they make love. After they were done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist." The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did you figure that out?" "Didn't feel a thing!"

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?" Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So what happened that's so horrible? Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket. Man: Ok, but that's not so bad. Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So what happened then? Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left. Man: and then? Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she too

Q:What do you call a 300-pound stripper? A:broke

A sophisticated lady went into an expensive restaurant. Before sitting, she asked her waiter, "Do you serve crabs here, sir?" The waiter replied, "Yes ma'am, we serve anybody in here. Please have a seat."

A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy. After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of scripture expressly forbidding polygamy. "Nothing easier," Twain replied. "No man can serve two masters."

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times. At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. The old lady answers, "We just love the chocolate around them!"

Feeling edgy, a woman took a hot bath. Just as she got comfortable, the doorbell rang. She got out, wrapped herself in a towel, and went to the door. A salesman wanted to know if she needed any brushes. She slammed the door in his face and returned to her bath. The doorbell rang again. She got out, wrapped herself in a towel, slipped on a wet spot, and hit her back against the tub. She struggled into her street clothes and, with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor. After examining her, the doctor said, "Nothing's broken. But you need to relax. Why don't you just go home and take a nice hot bath?"

"Uh huh," "sure, honey," or "yes, dear" Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. "It would take too long to explain" Translated: "I have no idea how it works." "I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Translated: "That girl standing on the corner is a real babe." "Take a break honey, you're working too hard." Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." "That's interesting, dear." Translated: "Are you still talking?" "I can't find it." Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless." "What did I do this time?" Translated: "What did you catch me at?" "You look terrific." Translated: "Oh, p