80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what is in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

Two sisters are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died. 1st sister: "I froze to death." 2nd sister: "How horrible!" 1st sister: "It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?" 2nd sister: "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV." 1st Sister: "So what happened? Tell me." 2nd sister: "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and sea

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell the wife?" They draw straws. Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me." Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants. Goldberg declares, "Your husband just los

Bill went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, Bill's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in hand, Bill went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial. The Consul after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told Bill, "My friend, the cost of sending of a body back to the States for burial is very very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00 dollars." The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains, normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00 do

Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Cindy, that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love. Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Cindy agrees and again they make love. Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Cindy's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep. Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and h

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe.? "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.? "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get frisky?" The other replies, "Oh, sure I do." The first woman asks, "What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver." After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR DAUGHTERS: 1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. 2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door. 3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there 4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone. 5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway. 6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart. 7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. 8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types. 9. Best way to get

40-ish....................................49 Adventurer.............................Slept with all your friends Athletic..................................No tits Average looking......................Has a face like a basset hound Beautiful................................Pathological liar Contagious Smile....................Does a lot of Ecstasy Educated..........................Banged her Political Science professor Emotionally Secure.................Medicated Feminist..................................Fat ball buster Free spirit...............................Junkie Friendship first................Trying to live down reputation as a slut Fun......................................Annoying Gentl

40-ish.....................................52 and looking for 25-yr-old Athletic.................. .................Watches a lot of NASCAR Average looking...........Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, &back Educated..............................Will patronize the shit out of you Free Spirit........... ...................Banging your sister Friendship first...................As long as friendship involves nookie Fun.................................Good with a remote and a six pack Good looking...........................Arrogant Very good looking....................Dumb as a board Honest....................................Pathological Liar Huggable.......................Overweight, more bo

On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung." I took a drink from my can of Budweiser, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray ban Sunglasses and stared directly at this nosey neighbor and then calmly replied, "I am, that's why she cuts the grass."

An old farmer in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "