A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me," she asked the rather elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater."

One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!" Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad."

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed. The mill

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.

A man and wife are out shopping one day. The wife turns to her husband and says; "Darling it's my mum's birthday tomorrow what shall we get her? Perhaps something electric?" "A chair?" replies the husband.

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you already told her twice...

Though the walls of our apartment complex aren't particularly thin, the floors and ceilings act as amplifiers. One night, several months ago, my wife and I were lying in bed. Noticing the repeated constant sound of a bed scooting along the floor and a headboard banging against a wall, we became aware that the occupants of the bedroom directly were doing more than tossing and turning in their sleep. This went on for some time. Later we described the event to our friends. US: "For the first five minutes, it was funny and kind of embarrassing that we could hear them so well. "After about ten minutes, it became really annoying. "After fifteen minutes, it was getting very frustrating becaus

Joe: I got a problem. Ed: What's the matter? Joe: Women. I just don't understand them. Ed: Do you understand your TV? Joe: No. Ed: So what's the problem?

The Dean from the University of Northern Colorado was a victim of a hit and run. He was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help. "My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken Dean told the cop. "The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?" "I recognized the laugh!"

A couple go to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of reproduction bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year." The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments: "See! That was more than 5 times a month!" The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year." Again the wife bugs her husband: "Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison. The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary spe

10. What do you mean "today's our anniversary"? 9. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV. 8. Ohh, this diamond is way too big! 7. And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska! 6. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being "just friends". 5. Honey does this outfit make my butt look too small? 4. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there. 3. Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here. 2. I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress. 1. Hey, pull my finger!

A husband and wife are celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little negligee she wore on their wedding night. She looks at her husband and says, "Honey,do you remember this?" He looks up at her and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married." She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night." He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember." "Well, what was it?" she asks. He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, "Ohhhhhhhhh Baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out." She giggles and says, "Yes honey, that's i