Two old men were arguing the merits of their doctors. The first one said, "I don't trust your fancy doctor. He treated old Jake Waxman for a kidney ailment for nearly a year, and then Jake died of a liver ailment." "So what makes you think your doctor is any better?" asked his friend. "Because when my doctor treats you for a kidney ailment, you can be sure you'll die of a kidney ailment."

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well I'll be," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long

Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription? Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.

The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items. I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, and had fastened the seatbelt around it to stop it falling over. I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office." The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, man," he said, "but I think it's too late!"

A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody. Everyone was amazed with what he could do - everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic. Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. When it was time for his appointment he told the doctor, "Hey, doc, I've lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin' to do?" The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47." So the doctor brought the jar out, opened it, and told Mr. Thompson to taste it. He tasted it and immediately spit it out, "This is gross!" he yelled. "Looks

The once was a lung doctor waiting outside a patient's room of who she didn't know. A different doctor came up to her with a shot canister and said 'I need you to go in the and draw blood from this guy' 'Ok, simple!' she responded. She walks in the room and there strapped down to the table was a big muscley guy who was in there for taking drugs.' He sits there struggling to get out. The wrist bands look as if they're about to break. The lung doctor storms out of there and spots the doctor. She says 'Ok if you want to get a needle stuck and play hostage today that's fine. But there's no way in hell I'm going in there and sticking that hulk with a needle' She hands him the shot canister and wa

A woman wasn't feeling well, so she asked a co-worker if she could recommend a doctor. "I know a very good doctor, but he is quite expensive. He charges $350 for the first visit, and $150 for each subsequent visit, but he really is quite good," replied the co-worker. The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to pull a fast one and save herself some money, she cheerfully announced, "I'm back!" Not fooled for a moment, the doctor gave her a quick exam and said, "Very good; now just continue the treatment I prescribed for you on your last visit."

An old hillbilly farmer with a severe case of hemorrhoids visited the doctor. The doctor prescribed some very powerful suppositories and asked the man to come back in a couple of weeks. The old farmer hadn't used suppositories before, and didn't realize they weren't a pill to be taken orally. Two weeks later, the old farmer, in even more discomfort from the hemorrhoids, sees the doctor again. The doctor asks him how the suppositories are working? The old farmer says, "For all the good they did me, I might as well have shoved them up my ass!"

A veterinarian was feeling ill, so he went to see his doctor. The doctor asked all the usual questions ... what symptoms did he have, how long had they been occurring, etc., when the vet interrupted him: "Look, doc, I'm a vet and I can't ask my patients these questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking - why can't you?" he said smugly. The doctor nodded, stood back and looked the vet up and down. He then quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to the vet, and said, "There you go. Of course, you do understand that if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep!"

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with appendicitis. The doctors operated and informed him that all went well. However, he kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Concerned that there was a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally mustered up the energy to pull his hospital gown down far enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the type that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence:- "Have a speedy recovery ... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

"Well, Jonathan, what are you going to do about the excess weight you're carrying around?" the doctor asked. "I don't understand it, Doc," Jonathan replied, "I just can't seem to lose weight. I must have an overactive thyroid." "Jonathan, the tests show that your thyroid is perfectly normal," replied the doctor. "It's your fork that's overactive."

Things You Don't Want to Hear When Regaining Consciousness. Has anyone seen my watch? That was some party last night. I can't remember when I've been that drunk. Well, this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual? Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie. If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week. What do you mean, he's not insured? Let's hurry; I don't want to miss "Baywatch." That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that? Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!