You're so stupid, you traded your car in for petrol!

You're as bright as a broken lightbulb!

You're as funny as a ripped-up joke book!

you're as smart as a broken calculator!!!!!!!

A man comes to dinner at a new friend's house. While they eat, the new friend's small son keeps staring at the guest. Finally, the guest says, 'Why are you staring at me like that, young fellow?' The kid says, 'Daddy told me you were a self-made man.' 'I am.' 'Well, why did you make yourself like that?'

How many men does it take to find anything? Zero. They have to ask a woman 1st and then after she tells them exactly where it is for the umpteenth time & they still can't find it..... The now exasperated woman goes & gets it for them in the exact place she has told them it was. Duh!!!

Aren't you tired of those stupid, mushy greeting cards down at the card store? Here's what a real friend would send to another... Dear friend, When you are sad, I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad... When you are blue, I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you... When you smile, I'll know you finally got laid... When you are scared, I'll will rag about it every chance I get... When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whinin'... When you are confuse, I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass... When you are sick, stay away from me until you're well

Below are questions that people "actually asked" of Park Rangers around the country, proving once again that there is no known limit to the depths of human stupidity. (Source: Outside Magazine) Grand Canyon National Park... Was this man-made? Do you light it up at night? I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom - where is it? So where are the faces of the presidents? Everglades National Park... Are the alligators real? Are the baby alligators for sale? Where are all the rides? What time does the two o'clock bus leave? Denali National Park (Alaska)... What time do you feed the bears? Can you show me where the yeti lives? How often do you mow the tundra? How much does Mount McKinley

A collection of insults! For two cents, I`d give you a piece of my mind -- and all of yours. You are the only person I've ever met whose mind is filthy and sterile at the same time! You have no trouble making ends meet. Your foot is always in your mouth! I heard you went to see the doctor and told him that you wanted a little wart removed; so he had you thrown out of his office. I think Mother Nature really hates you because you remind her so much of all her mistakes! You must be the arithmetic man -- you add trouble, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance. Some people are has-beens. You are a never-was. You started at the bottom -- and it's been downhill e

Act naturally Happily married Microsoft Works Holy war Found missing Resident alien Minor Catastrophe Affordable housing Near miss Great depression Canadian army Phone sex United nations Advanced BASIC Genuine imitation Death benefits Airline Food Women's rights Good grief Same difference Almost exactly Sensitive man Government organization Everything except Civil War Good kid Sanitary landfill Alone together Legally drunk Silent scream British fashion Living dead Small crowd Business ethics Soft rock Butt Head Military Intelligence Software documentation New York culture New classic Sweet sorrow Childproof "Now, then" Synthetic natural gas Christi

You know what your problem is? Your brain is too tense... too tense the size of everybody else's.

These pick up lines are so nasty, they're insults... The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand. I like every bone in your body, especially mine. How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up? Will you be my love buffet so I can lay you out on a table and take anything I want? Why don't you sit on my face and let me eat my way to your heart? Baby, I'm like milk, I'll do your body good. Is that a mirror in your pants because I can see myself in them. Hey baby, let's play army; I'll lay down you can blow me up