There were 2 guys who were best friends, Bob and Carl, that went walking everyday past a very fancy restuarant made up of very clear, expensive glass. Well everytime they went by, they would always make jokes about the rich snobs who dined there (of course because they were jealous because they wanted to be in there eating the expensive food). So one day Bob made a bet with Carl that he could make half of the people throw up. As soon as Carl agreed on the bet, Bob went and put his boogers and some dog poop all over the glass and indeed half of the people did throw up. So Carl lost some money but wanted to get it back. So he made a bet the he could get the other half of the people to throw up

What's brown and has holes in it? Swiss shit!

Definition of Agony? One armed man hanging off a cliff with itchy balls

What is the square root of 69? Ate something (8....)

In school one day, the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about the elements. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw element in the world what would it be?" Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher nodded and called on little Susie. Little Susie said, "I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette" The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon." The teacher said, "Why Johnny?" He responded by saying, "Because my mom

Three men, a fat man, a Russian, and a Puerto Rican, are standing on a bridge. The Russian removes a bottle of vodka from his coat, takes a sip, and then throws the bottle over the bridge. The Puerto Rican asks, "Why did you do that? That was perfectly good bottle of vodka!" The Russian replies, "There's plenty of that where I come from." The Puerto Rican doesn't want to be upstaged, so he removes a joint from his pocket, takes a long puff, and then throws the rest of it over the bridge. The fat man exclaims, "Hey! What the hell did you do that for? That was a perfectly good joint!" The Puerto Rican replies, "There's plenty of that where I come from." Now, the fat man doesn't want to b

In a hurry to get a special dinner party, the guest speaker arrived and sat down, only to realize he'd forgotten his false teeth. He explained his dilemma to the man sitting next to him. The man said, "No problem," reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of false teeth. "Try these,"he said. "Too loose," the speaker said. The man pulled out another pair. "Too tight," the speaker told him. "I have one more pair." The speaker tried them and they fit perfectly. With that, he ate his meal and gave his speech. When the dinner was over, he went to thank the man who'd helped him. "Where's your office?" he inquired. "I'm looking for a good dentist." The man replied: "I'm not a dentist. I'm an

A mortician was examining Mr. Zeron's body before sending it to be cremated. He discovered the longest private part he had ever seen on Zeron. He felt it a pity to cremate him with it, so, apologising to the corpse, the mortician used his tools to remove the tremendously huge private part. The mortician stuffed the prize possesion into his briefcase and took it home to show his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said and opened his briefcase. Upon seeing it, his wife cried, "Oh my God! Zeron is dead!"

A young , attractive woman thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him, "Major, when was the last time you had sex?" "1956," was his reply. "No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Major, you need to get out more!" "I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch, ..."It's only 2014 now."

Once upon a time, there was an elderly couple. Next door, there lived a Peeping Tom. One day, the couple received a phone call. The woman said, "Fred! Peeping Tom tells us to shut the blinds or he'll call the police!"

A girl in around fifth grade was walking home from school. As she walking she sees a really adorable little boy walking the same way as she is. The little boy comes up to her and says, "Can i walk home with you??" The little girl, being a mean snobby person says, "Oooh, god no!! Go away ya midget!!" "I'll cry!!!" * big sigh * "Fine just don't cry!!" When they get to her house she stops and tells him to go away. But he says, "Can i come over??" "Ooh no!!! No munchkins allowed!!" "I'll cry!!" *another big sigh* "Fine, but only for a little bit" Its getting late and she tells him to leave. "Can I stay for dinner??" "For the last time no!!! Go away!!!" "I'll cry!!" "Fine!!" Dinner is over an

A guy got on a bus one day and sat in the aisle seat beside an elderly lady. A few minutes later, he couldn't control himself and had to let loose a big noisy fart. Embarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her "Do you by any chance have today's paper?" The lady looked at him and said "No, but the next time we pass by a tree, I'll grab you a handful of leaves."