Jokes
Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man but I don't think he can live with my problems." So she decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up beans.
A year later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country, she called her husband and told him she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she co
A man walks into a bar and a drunk is sitting there mumbling something quietly. Curious the man takes the seat next to him. The drunk is mumbling, "Looks like plastic, feels like rubber." While looking at something in his hand.
The man asks the drunk if he may see what he means. The man feels the object and says, "It does look like plastic and feels like rubber. Where did you get it?"
The drunk replies, "From my nose."
The day before Christmas break, a few kindergarten students decided to give their teacher a gift.
The first gift was from a little girl whos daddy was a florist. The teacher takes the present unwraps it and discovers it's flowers. She thanks the girl and takes the next present.
Its from a little boy whose daddy own a candy store. She unwraps the present and sure enough there's a box of chocolates. She thanks the boy and takes the last gift.
The last gift is from a boy whose daddy owns a liquor store. The gift is dripping with a weird liquid. Shocked that the boy's father would give him alcohol to give to a teacher, decides to say nothing and guess what it is.
"Is it champagne?"
The boy rep
A man is sitting at his register and a beautiful young women comes in asking to use the bathroom. Even though she is beautiful the man refuses to let her use it. At least until she buys something. So she buys a pack of gum and then asks again. He says, "yes."
She comes out a few minutes later, and in her most seductive voice starts talking to him, she slips her finger in his mouth and lets him lick it for awhile. After a while she pops her finger out of his mouth and says, "You're out of toilet paper."
Three men, a French, Chinese, and American, decided to have a contest. They wanted to see whose dog could go the longest without going to the bathroom. The Chinese man won after a few hours. A news reporter asked him how he acheived such a feat. He replied, in a rather sing-song way, "Me Chinese, me no dumb, me stick rock up doggie's bum!"
One day, an old man went to a teenager with spiked hair. He asked him, "Have you done anything crazy in your life?"
The teen replied, "No".
So the old man said, "Well, about 15 years ago, I was drunk, and I saw a porcupine. Now I am wondering if you are my son."
This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.
Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night. Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either puking or shitting.
After several hours of this, he is able to stop puking, but he is still running to the toilet every 2
Q. If you are an AMERICAN when you go into the
bathroom and you are an AMERICAN when you come
out of the bathroom....What are you WHILE you
are in the bathroom?
A. EUROPEAN... of course!
This American is on a business trip to Mexico and has the first day off. He decides he wants to ride a donkey, a traditional Mexican thing.
He asks this local man if he can rent a donkey for the day. The man says, "Gringo we call them asses here in Mexico. If you want him to stop though you need to scratch him." The American agrees and pays the Mexican man his money and rides away.
The man then decides that he wants something to eat so he rides to a hot dog stand. He asks the man if he can get a hot dog with mustard and relish. The man then replies "Sir, we call them weeners here." The American agrees and hands the man his money.
He then sees that his donkey is slowly walking away. So
Why can't Dolly Parton be a teacher?
Because every time she turns around she erases the black board.
To the tune of "I'm Looking Over a Four Leaf Clover":
I'm looking over my dead dog Rover
That I ran over with the power mower
One leg is missing, another is gone
The third leg is scattered all over the lawn
No need explainin' the one remainin'
Is under the car port door
I'm looking over my dead dog Rover
That I overlooked before!
A drunk stumbles into a confessional.
The priest on the other side hears someone enter but yet the man does not speak.
So the priest knocks on the wall of the confessional and hears the drunk say, "Forget it buddy, theres no toiletpaper in this one either!"
There were two guys at a bar. One of them was rich and the other was poor. They both start talking and they find out their anniversary is on the same day, which is tomorrow.
Poor guy- "What did you get your wife?"
Rich Guy- "I got her a diamond ring and a Mercedes Benz."
Poor guy- "Why did you give her those??"
Rich Guy- "Because if she doesn't like the ring she can run the car off a cliff and go screw herself. What did you get your wife?"
Poor guy- "A pair of slippers and a dildo"
Rich Guy- "Why did you give her those??"
Poor guy- "Because if she doesn't like the slippers she can go screw herself!"
3 people were asked to find the "hardest" word in the dictionary. One person found the word "happiness". One person found the word"photosynthesis". The last person found the word "dick".
Bob and Bo are hunting. Bob had a sever case of diarrhea so he decided to stay and rest up. Bo goes out and kills a big deer and guts it. He then thinks it would be funny if he laid the deers guts in Bob's sleeping bag so he does and goes to sleep. Then he wakes up the next morning and see's that Bob and the guts are gone. Then he notices Bob and asks how's he feeling. Bob says, "My diarrhea was so bad I crapped my guts out but with God's grace and these two fingers I got them all back in."
2 men were out camping. At about 3:00 one man had to go to the bathroom. There were no toilets around and the men had no toilet paper! The man took a crap in the forest, but then had noting to wipe his butt with. He asked his friend what to do, and his friends said to wipe his butt with a 1 dollar bill. 5 minutes later the man came back with crap all over his hands. The friend asked what happened and the man said, "I didn't have a 1 dollar bill, so I used 4 quarters!"
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