Every (Bad) Crowd Has A Silver Lining (When I was in college, I used to work in the cafeteria. On this day, two girls are making fun of a third.) Mean Girl #1: "Oooooh, a hamburger? So much for that diet." Mean Girl #2: "Are you kidding? She's never been on a diet in her life!" (The third girl who they are talking to is, for the record, very nice looking.) Girl #3: *taken aback* "I...I worked out today. I need the protein." Me: "Come on, leave her alone. She can eat whatever she wants!" Mean Girl #1: "Yeah, I guess you don't have to worry about what you eat if you're already fat and ugly!" (One of my coworkers has been listening from a distance. He walks over, looks all three girls u

(A father is letting five kids make a complete mess of the restaurant. They're ripping napkins and using it as confetti, breaking chopsticks and screaming their little heads off.) Me: "Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to tell them to stop doing that. They are disturbing the other customers." Father: *beaming* "No." Me: "No, as in, no you won't tell them to stop it?" Father: *still beaming*"Yes." (I have to get back to work at this point and sure enough, the kids keep misbehaving. Several customers complain to me but I have no authority to throw them out. The last to complain is a table with about eight young guys.) Customer 1: "So there's nothing you can do about them?" Me: "I'm so v

Customer: "Look! My friend told me I could get this type of hammer at your store! Now go get it for me!" Cashier: "Sir, I already told you... we don't have ANY hammers back here that aren't already stocked on the shelves." Customer: "LOOK HERE. F**K YOU! I KNOW YOU'RE TRYING TO SAVE MONEY BY SWITCHING OUT YOUR STOCKS! GET ME THIS HAMMER!" (At this point, I come to the front of the store, overhearing what's going on; note that I'm the manager.) Me: "Is there a problem?" Customer: "Yes sir! Your employee here is not doing what I tell her to!" Me: "Well, you need to calm down and understand that we don't have what you're looking for. So maybe you should go back to shelves and check–" C

Customer: "I have a big problem. You cut off my head!" Me: "I'm sorry? How did I cut off your head?" (The customer shows me an obviously self-taken picture, with the top of his head removed.) Me: "Sir, it looks like it was taken that way." Customer: "No it wasn't! My whole head was there when I took it. I'm sure!" Me: "Okay, let me see your memory card..." (The customer hands it to me, and I go in the lab and pull it up on the computer. Sure enough, he chopped his own head off in the picture.) Me: "Sir, that is the whole image, and the top of your head isn't in it." Customer: "But it's DIGITAL, can't you fix it?" Me: "You can't create something from nothing." Customer: "But... but.

You've Got The Wrong(est) Number (Note: our customer support number is close to a local driving school's number.) Me: "Thank you for calling. How may I help you?" Customer: "How much for my daughter?" Me: "Um..." Customer: "She's 16. It's her first time. She needs training." Me: "Sir, I think you want the driving school." Customer: "Oh, what do you guys do?" Me: "Adult websites." Customer: "Oh...OH! Oh my God!"

(A teen approaches my cash register very slowly.) Me: "Can I help you?" Customer: "Gimme all the f***ing medicine!" (The teen pulls out an airsoft pistol with orange tip still glued to the front.) Me: "The pharmacy is in the back of the store." Customer: "Oh...okay." (He holsters the air-soft gun in his belt and darts down the aisles to the back of the store. My manager comes out of the back room because of the commotion.) Manager: "Who was that?" Me: "Some kid looking for drugs. He went back to the pharmacy." Manager: "Why didn't you call the police?" (The teen runs screaming from the back of the store out of the front door followed closely by the pharmacy technician, a 35 year ol

(It's Halloween, and I'm dressed up as a vampire and wearing a pentacle necklace. The crew is planning on going out after work for a party.) Me: "Did you find everything you needed tonight?" Customer: "Yes, thank you. Can I just say that I think it was very nice of them to let you all dress up for tonight? I really like what you have on." Me: "Thank you, ma'am." Customer: "But don't you think you took it a little too far?" Me: "Uh... took what too far?" Customer: "Well I understand that you're supposed to be some type of vampire, but don't you think that necklace is taking it too far?" Me: "Oh, that. That's not part of my costume, I always wear that." Customer: *loudly* "Well if you

Employee: *making out a rain check* "Okay, so I'm just going to look on the computer and check if any other locations have this item." Nice customer: "Okay, thanks." Angry customer: "Stop f***ing socializing and do your g**d*** job!" Employee: "Sir, please don't be abusive, I'm just checking our other loc-" Angry customer: "I don't care! DO YOUR JOB!" (At this point, the angry customer moves toward the counter in a very threatening way. The customer behind HIM, a super-fit guy in a UFC jacket, steps in. Mr. UFC grabs the angry customer in a CHOKE HOLD and drags him outside, followed quickly by management, and to the applause of the staff and customers inside the store.) (The angry cust

(I'm ringing up a customer and notice her last name is the same as mine. I have a very uncommon last name, so I made the mistake of mentioning this...) Me: "Your last name is [name]? Mine, too. Wonder if we're related?" *chuckle* Customer: *very serious* "What is your name?" Me: "Oh, I was joking, we're not related; almost all of my family lives up in New England." Customer: *more serious* "What is your name?" Me: "Uhhh...I'm no–" Customer: "Do you have a brother named [brother's name]?" Me: "Yes, actually..." Customer: "Is your mother [mom's name]?" Me: "Uh, yeah..." Customer: "And your father's name is [my estranged father's name]?" Me: "Well, he's my biological father, yes."

(Often I enter the beer cooler with shorts, a t-shirt and some rubber-hand work gloves on.) Me: *walks out of the cooler* Customer: "Are you f***ing insane? It's freezing in there. Me: "I don't mind it." Customer: "That's bulls***! You know it's cold. Why would you lie to me?" Me: "Excuse me? I'm pretty sure I know my own tolerance and I'm working so I get a bit warm, even in there." Customer: "WARM!? In a COOLER!? You're a G**D*** LIAR! How can you be WARM in THERE!" Me: "I'm Canadian, and ever since my igloo melted I only feel at home in there." Customer: "Oh, I didn't know. I'm sorry for your loss."

(A man comes to my register with a mint chocolate candy bar.) Me: "Anything else?" Customer: "Can you break a $100 bill?" Me: "Actually, I can't. We just opened and I haven't gone to the bank today." Customer: "Oh, no! Do you know anywhere I can get change? I need this candy right away!" (At this point I notice his panicked look. Coupled with the fact that he's buying the most unappetizing candy in the store, I jump to a conclusion.) Me: "Sir, these aren't for you, are they?" Customer: "No." Me: "Did your pregnant wife send you out at 8 in the morning to buy this candy?" Customer: "Yes." Me: "For the love of God, man! Get these home to her before you're in even more trouble! You ca

(I am shelving DVDs in a library when a man comes in with a boy who appears to be autistic. The boy sees a movie about Thanksgiving.) Boy: "Thanksgiving! I love Thanksgiving! I'm thankful... I'm thankful for... I'm thankful for my friends at school!" Caretaker: "You're thankful for your friends at school?" Boy: "Yeah! Yeah and... and... what are you thankful for? Are you thankful for your friends?" Caretaker: *no response* Boy: "Are you thankful for me?" Caretaker: "I'm thankful for you, kid. I'm more thankful for you than all my friends in the world." Boy: *smiles*