Billy was walking in a shopping center with his mom, and suddenly she stopped to pick up a penny. When she reached out for it, he saw armpit hair. Frightened, he said, "You're not my mom! I'm calling the police." The man pulled off his mask and said, "Okay, you got me. But tell me one thing. How did you know I wasn't your mom?" "Because my mom's not Jewish."

I got a new dog last week. She's a black lab and border collie mix, and still a puppy. I take her with me everywhere I go. But when I took her to the vet to get her shots, they told me I had to put her down. I've only had this dog for a week. Seven days. I wanted to keep holding her.

Why was the diver angry at the diving board? Because it flipped him off.

So I asked a religious truck driver what his CB handle is. His answer: "My handle's 'Messiah'." (Get it? Sounds like "Handel's Messiah.")

The word 'function' should never function as a verb.

'It is Christmas time and a man and a woman go out for a meal. After the first two courses, everything is well until the dessert. The man messes up and says something inappropriate to the woman while having their Christmas pudding. The woman walks away in anger. Then the man says, "Please don't desert me; this is our first date."'

Mik and mak are having a pillow fight. Mak whacks mik hard. Mik yells "are you jamaican because ja maican me crazy!"

yo momma is so fat, she put on a disney shirt and mickey mouse got diabetes. yo momma is so ugly, she makes blind people cry. yo momma is so fat, she has to hire people to look at her toes. yo momma is so fat, when God said let there be light, he had to ask her to move out of the way. yo momma is so stupid, she failed a blood test.

I bet you I could stop gambling.

Have you heard the one about the home security guard who got fired for saving his boss's life? One day the guard dreamed the his boss was going to be in a plane crash on a business trip to Zimbabwe. Upon learning that his boss was soon going to be flying to Zimbabwe he told his boss about the dream he had, and convinced his boss to cancel it. The next day on the news they learned that the plane did indeed crash. The boss gave him a reward, and then fired him on the spot, saying that a good guard shouldn't be sleeping on the job!

A young man was strolling down a street. As he passed a large building with a fence around it, he heard a group of people chanting "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen" over and over again. Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn't. Then he spotted a hole in the wood. He put his eye to the hole. He just managed to spy some old people sitting in deckchairs chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye. As he staggered back, the old people started chanting, "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen..."

A mother and her child were at a wedding. A little boy looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?" His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life." The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"