A waiter on a ship said to a boarding lion "sir, do you want anything of the chef's special?" The lion said "nah..I'll look at the passenger list,though!"

Why didn't Megan Fox run from the man-eating lion? Because she was a woman. *Told to me by a 7-year-old*

Mik:Darn it! There's only 2 chips in my bowl.Damn you,chips! Mak: Aargh! you made me so angry I am gonna punch them! Mak punches the chips. Mik: WHOAH! you made 2 big chips into 20 small ones! Mak: I AM JESUS OF THE DORITOS!!

Music student: We played the beatles last night! Gym student:who won?

The other day, I heard that a good friend of mine was outside during a thunderstorm and got struck by lightning. I was a bit shocked, but not as much as he was.

I don't know much about prison, but it sounds like a pain in the ass.

One night, I was just walking around, and something really strange happened. Every single black person that night took one look at me and decided to punch me square in the face. Repeatedly. It hurt. And I'm not just talking about one or two, I'm saying every single black person beat the crap out of me that night. I don't know why. I didn't do anything. I didn't say anything. I didn't even look at anybody funny. But after that, I did stop dressing up as a ghost for Halloween.

One night I was feeling lonely, so I went to my girlfriend's house. She wasn't expecting me, but I was able to calm her down. She was a bit hesitant, but I didn't think anything of it. I got her into the bed finally, and you know what happens next. In the morning, when I woke up she was still asleep. So I got up and left quietly. On the way back home I felt a little bad but I didn't know why. And then it hit me. I don't have a girlfriend.

Yo momma so old she rode a limosarus to her wedding!

I'm not even sure this is funny (although it was at the time), but it was just a random happening: I was texting my friend and playing temple run at the same time, and something occurred to me. I said, "If I were a Temple Run character, no one would buy me... I cannot slide on my back, jump over tall objects, run fast (most definitely not), or pick up coins by running through them. I would die in the first 30 seconds." He replied, "I would buy u, just so I could get the achievement of sexy seven."

Little Katie was at Sunday school one day. The teacher asked the class "Who is someone in your life that worships God by always speaking His name?" Little Katie raised her hand and said "The fifth grade teacher at my school! Every time we pass by her room on the way to art I hear her say "I swear to God I have the worst behaved class in the world!"

"Mom! Deaf kids at school are making fun of me." "What did they say?"