A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

One day when Jimmy was at school, the teacher told him that for his homework he had to write out the first three letters of the alphabet. When he went home he was struggling so decided to ask his mum. His mum was in the kitchen cutting the salad when he asked her "Mum, what is the first letter of the alphabet?" Just as he had finished asking this question his mum sliced her finger open and shouted "SHIT!!!" Jimmy wrote this down and went outside to see his older brother. He asked him "big brother, whet is the second letter of the alphabet?" His brother was crouched on the floor talking to a drugged up teenager and jimmy heard him say "only if you give me some heroin!" Jimmy wrote this do

There was a pregnant women. On the way to the hospital, she got into a wreck. When she woke up her babies were already born. She asked the docter if she could see her babies. He said yes, and don't worry your brother named them. The pregnant woman freaked out and said her brother was an idiot. The doctor said the girl's name is Denice. The pregnant women said, "Maybe my brother is not such an idiot." Then the docter said that the boy's name is "da nephew".

A girl and her best friend were at a cafe. The girl said her boyfriend finally told her about marriage. Her best friend asked her what he said. "He is married and has 3 kids," she replied.

Yo momma is so fat she has more chins than a chinese phone book!

1. Stand on top of the high board and say you won't come down until your demands are met. 2. Tell the lifeguards that they aren't doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people drown today. 3. Ask people if they have seen your pet shark. 4. Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys. 5. Take a flutter board and pretend you can't swim. 6. Hit strangers with your flutter board. 7. Ask an attractive lifeguard to practise CPR on you. 8. Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, ''Oh yeah... oooh that feels soooo good....'' 9. Sit on the top of the water slide and don't move. 10. Swim near a stranger and say, ''Dammit I knew I shouldn't have had water

"COMPETITIVE SALARY" We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. "JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY" We have no time to train you. "CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up. "MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day. "SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED" Some time each night and some time each weekend. "DUTIES WILL VARY" Anyone in the office can boss you around. "MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" We have no quality control. "CAREER-MINDED" Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way). "APPLY IN PERSON" If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled. "NO PHONE CALLS PLEA

A man and his wife are in bed getting hot and heavy when the wife just pushes him away and says, "No, actually I don't feel like sex tonight. Could you just hold me?" The man very mad says, "What?! Why the hell can't we have sex??" The woman replies, "This is so typical, you have no idea what it's like to be a women! You just don't understand me!" And she turns over and goes to sleep. The next day the man tells his wife he is so sorry and to make up for his mistakes they are going to the mall. So the man takes her to the clothing department of a very expensive store and has her try on outfits. She can't decide which one she likes, so the man tells her to take them all. She jumps up and do

If two's a company and three's a crowd... what's four and five? NINE!!!!

Quickly read through the following text and count the number of F's in it. FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS Managed it? Scroll down only after you have counted them! > >> >>> >>>> >>>>> >>>>>> >>>>>>> >>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>> >

Ghost Stories by I.C. Spooks Rocket to the sun by R.U.Nuts Your Book of Glamour by Q.T Pie The Camel Ride by Major Bum - issore How to Grow Shorter by Neil Down How to Grow Taller by Stan Dup

Crime and Punishment by Laura Norda The Use of Natural Fertilizers; by G.G. Dunnit The Way to Quick Riches; by Robbin Banks Holidays in Britain; by A. Pauline Whetha Contagious Diseases; by Willie Catchit Driving Through Germany; by Otto Mobile Broken Window; by Eva Brick Monsters; by Frank N. Stein Cliff Tragedy; by Eileen Dover Even More to come, i promise!!!!