A newlywed couple had just arrived in their honeymoon suite. After unpacking, the husband took off his pants. "Put these on," he said to his wife. She did and they were obviously much too large. "There's no way I can wear these - they're way too big," she said. "Good! Now you know who wears the pants in this family," replied the husband. Flustered, the wife removed her panties, and handing them to her husband said, "Put these on." The husband looked at the tiny panties and said, "There's no way I can get into these." To which the wife replied, "You're damn right! At least not until you change your attitude!"

CAT: 1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As the cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bo

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this

A man, trying to understand the nature of God, asked Him, "God, how long is a million years to you?" God answered, "A million years is like a minute." Then the man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars to you?" And God replied, "A million dollars is like a penny." Finally, the man asked, "God, could you give me a penny?" And God said, "In a minute."

A fact of life: After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W T F

An actual sign outside a house: The dog is okay. Beware of the owner

The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding. Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.

Doctor: What is it that brought you here? Patient: An ambulance. Why?

One time I was walking and I saw a deer then a turkey comes out and the turkey and deer interact by speaking in human words then all of a sudden a really bright light formed and the deer and turkey have fused to make a durkey a dear and turkey combined it has a head of a deer and the body of the turkey after that this was on the news and they said it could be seen from Africa(No permanent eye damage was reported)so then a passer by the next day(I was in that same area where the turkey and deer fused)took the durkey and that guy who ate it became that same turkey(The one the deer talked to before fusing)but the good ole friend the deer was gone that passer by became the turkey but the deer go

A spanish speaking person was eating breakfast they where having english muffins the rest of the family was English(The Spanish speaking guy was adopted)so he was eating an English muffin after that he tried to say Uno but instead was completely English Wierd

I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went... then it dawned on me. Reading a book on levitation... couldn't put it down. I should have been sad when I lost my flashlight... but I was de-lighted. I was wondering why the frisbee got bigger as it got closer to me... then it hit me. I gave away dead batteries... free of charge! I had amnesia once... maybe twice. See more: http://punraccoon.tumblr.com/

33% of men use their left hand to pee. 67% of men use their right hand. 89% wanted to know why I'm watching them pee.