- I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges? - You can't have everything, where would you put it? - Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? - What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of baldmen? - In a country of free speech why are there telephone bills? - If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

On the eve of the First Boer War, thousands of blondes lined the streets campaigning for animal rights. 'If it's illegal for human women, it's gotta be the same for swine,' said one activist.

Here is a fragment of a crossword puzzle. Note that this crossword puzzle contains abbreviations and acronyms. S O _ Clue: An insult related to a female animal. Answer: Sow.

Here is a fragment of a crossword puzzle. P _ O _ _ _ Clue: Something that is often brown and hard to clean. Answer: Poodle.

A lawyer is talking to a *fellow* politician. 'I'm going to Switzerland next month,' said the honest politician. 'Oh really?' asked the lawyer. 'Which bank?'

What did the father buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? - Bison!

If Bob the Butcher is 5'11'' what does he weigh? -Meat

A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says, "I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy. We're here to destroy your civilisation, pillage and burn. What do you think about that?" The owner replies, "I don't have an opinion. I'm a chartered accountant."

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't? Depreciation.

A guy dies whilst making love to his wife. A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?" The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his ass!" The undertaker does as he is told. On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, "It fucking hurts doesn't it!"

Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The guys go along there, only to be told by receptionist at the hotel that there is just one available room left in the hotel. They are not happy, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed. That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says, "I dreamt I had the best wank last night." The guy on the left side says, "That's funny, I had the exact same dream!". The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."

A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!" So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please." The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes her in and sends her floating. A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Somehow drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by