One day, a blonde goes into a store. She gets an item and walks up to the cashier. She says,"I'd like to buy this TV". He says,"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes". The next day, she dyes her hair red and goes back in the store, but the same thing happens. Finally, she shaves her head and goes back in. When she tries to buy it for the third time, the man refuses. She says, "How the hell do you know I'm blonde?". He replied, "First of all, that's a microwave."

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me . . . then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing; then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help - she tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothin

A Mexican, an American, and a Pollock are all in an airplane Flying over Mexico. The Mexican drops a pear on his country. When the American asks why he says he loves his country. Then they're flying over the US and the American drops an apple. When the Pollock asks why he says because he loves his country. Then they're flying over the Pollock's country and the Pollock drops a bomb. When the American and the Mexican ask why he says because he hates his country. A while later the Mexican is walking the streets and he sees a boy who is crying. He asks why and the boy says because a pear fell out of the sky and hit him on the head. The American is walking the streets and he sees a little girl cr

One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach. But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case. Soon comes a little girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?" The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it." He soon falls asleep. Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask whathappened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach. Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said "well I was play

There was this lady and she really wanted to have sex, but she was to scared to ask her husband so she went to a gypsy and told her her problem. The gypsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle penis my vigina' and it will start having sex with you". So later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great. That is until her husband walks in and he shouts "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT" and the woman says "It's a pickled penis" Unfortunately her husband replied "PICKLE PENIS MY ASS"

1. Cover your stump before you hump 2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker 3. Don't be silly, protect your willy 4. When in doubt, shroud your spout 5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner 6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong 7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it 8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey 9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize 10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter 11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick 12. If you go into heat, package your meat 13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis 14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse 15. Especially in December, gift wrap your

Yo mama's so old her social security number is 1! Yo mama's so old she flicked the switch when god said let there be light! Yo mama's so old that when she was in school there was nohistory class! Yo mama's so old she's in Jesus's yearbook! Yo mama's so old her birth certificate says expired on it! Yo mama's so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince! Yo mama's so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper! Yo mama's so old she ran track with dinosaurs! Yo mama's so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals! Yo mama's so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook! Yo mama's so old she sat behind Jesus in the third grade! Yo mama's so stupid when she saw the under 17 not a

How do you kill a dumb blonde? Put something shiny on the bottom of a pool.

What s green and hangs from a tree??? Giraffe Boogers