Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!" The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!" Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

What a woman says... This place is a mess! C'mon! You and I need to clean up! Your stuff is lying on the floor and You'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now! What a man hears... blah blah blah blah blah C'MON! YOU AND I blah blah blah blah! blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!

A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars. He says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich." The Madam says, "For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf." The trucker says, "I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The girl behind the counter says, "What size?" He says, "I don't know." She holds up a finger and says, "That big?" He says, "Bigger." She holds up three fingers and says, "That big?" He says, "Smaller?" She holds up two fingers and he says, "That's it." She puts the two fingers in her mouth and says, "Medium."

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

A guy walks into a bar with his midget wife and takes a stool, with his wife standing next to him. The bartender was busy at the other end and didn't see them when they walked in. When he got done serving the customers there, he walked down the bar and asks the new customer what he would like. He asks for two glasses of beer, which the barman brings. After leaving him, the bartender goes about serving other patrons, when he notices the man has finished his beers. He asks if he would like a refill, and the man says, "Yes. I'll have a couple more. "The barman gets two more beers and sets them in front of the man. Never having seen anyone with the guy, his curiosity is piqued, and he asks him,

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!" The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That i

An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him. After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him. She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina". The old guy says "God, I hope so, you've got the ugliest tits I've ever seen."

Honest to God true story. Wife (yelling from upstairs): Honey, I'm naked and the dog is loose in the front yard! Husband (downstairs): Hold on, I'll be right up! She didn't appreciate the humor.

I just wrote this out of boredom. I do not care what you think. If you think this bad, I can't help but say, "Go fuck yourself". A couple had been fighting for quite a while. The husband is just craving for sex. One night when they're in bed: Husband: You know, it's fun. Wife: Huh? Husband: It's fun! Wife: What? What's up with you all of a sudden? What's fun? Husband: It's fun! Wife: What is? Husband: IT'S fun! Wife: Grrr. Fuck you! Husband: YEAH, THAT!

WIKIPEDIA: I know everything. GOOGLE: I have everything. FACEBOOK: I know everybody. INTERNET : You're all nothing without me. ELECTRICITY: Keep talking, bitches!

Q: Why did the witch buy a computer? A: She needed the spellcheck