A guy with two black eyes walks into church one Sunday. The priest notices him and is very concerned. "What happened, my child?" "I was singing in the choir, Father, and I noticed that the girl in front of me had a wedgie, so I pulled it out, and she punched me in the eye." "Okay; how did you get the other black eye?" "Well, I thought I'd done something wrong, so I put her wedgie back."

A lawyer was having a nice peacful time at home one day when the phone rang. He answered it and it was a man asking for donations towards a charity. The lawyer tries to tell the man politely that he wouldn't donate. But the man kept pushing and pushing. The man said over the phone, "But Sir, I know for a fact you are a very wealthy lawyer, you make tons of money each year, and as I look over this information sheet I don't see any donations you have made to any charities in the last five years. Don't you think it's time you gave something back to the community that's treated you so well?" The lawyers now pissed replies, "Look! I have a sick mother who requires an expensive surgery, my broth

Yo Mama's so fat the only thing stopping her from getting into Jenny Craig is the door!

A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth, and in the end, there were two little baby boys. The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father?"

Knock-knock Who's there? Joe Joe who? Jo mama

I would punch you but I couldn't make you any uglier.

Knock-knock Whose there? Says Says who? Says me

An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me!" "Why not?" he asks. She answers back, "Because I'm dead." The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another." She says, "No, I'm definitely dead." He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?" "Because nothing hurts."

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school to talk about the world. After hertalk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is. "Billy," the lad replies. "And what is your question, Billy?" asks the Senator. I actually have three questions. First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second -why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? And third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?" Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were w

Q: What's invisible and smells like carrots? A: Bunny farts!

Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing. "Why are you crying?" asked the little boy. "I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said the girl. When he heard this, the little boy started to cry. "Why are you crying?" asked the girl. The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."

What is Beethoven doing today? -Decomposing.